Wednesday, February 16, 2011

We have no advice (we have advice)

Ashley: In Prudence, there's a teenager who found her dad's porn.

Lulu: That problem always comes up, and I never have any advice. Uh, ignore it? Everyone watches porn.

Ashley: Or reads it.

Lulu: Everyone consumes porn. Nomnomnom.

Ashley: There's a bit of a twist in the column, though.
Q. While looking for a movie to put on my iPod on the family computer, I saw a really disturbing title. "Wild. Teen (S-E-X)" What should I do? I have a feeling this movie might be illegal, and I am kind of scared to be around my dad right now. I don't want any divorce/court/prison-type things to happen, so I am clueless. I have two 5- and 7-year-old brothers, and I haven't told anyone. HELP!

A: As disturbing as your discovery is, I doubt there is anything for you to be scared about. Yes, the idea is creepy, but men viewing porn is very, very common. Your father would probably be more mortified than you are scared when he discovers you came upon his porn-viewing. Take him over to the computer and show him what you saw and say, "Dad, I found this when I was searching for a movie, and obviously it upset me." Let's hope he's grown up enough to apologize and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Lulu: Okay, so I guess this kid assumes it is child porn? Because it says teen sex? But teen could mean 18 or 19 or 27 pretending to be 18.

Ashley: Usually the latter, yeah.

Lulu: Or even 27 pretending to be 16, and it would all be fine and legal. Given that probably 90% of porn videos claim the female lead(s) are celebrating their 18th birthday, the fact that it has teen in the title is meaningless. It might not even necessarily be what the dad is into but just what is available. The fact that i have hint of lime taco chips doesn't mean I love lime, it just means I love taco chips and that's what was at the store. I DO love lime, but that is irrelevant.

Ashley: I also love lime! And 18-year-old girls.

Lulu: I would not do what Prudence said.

Ashley: Correct. Why seek out an uncomfortable discussion?

Lulu: There are two passive aggressive methods that i can think of if what she wants is to get the dad (or mom!!!!!!!!) to stop leaving porn videos in the open:

1. delete any you find

2. save your own to the same folder

Ashley: Find a gay video, save it with the same filename. See what happens.

Lulu: I bet he won't notice, because I bet he didn't intend to leave a copy in the My Downloads folder or whatever. So she can probably safely delete it, protect her young brothers' virgin eyes, and do her dad a favor in the process.

Huh. I guess we did have advice for this LW after all.

Now, we really don't any advice for the LW in today's Love Letters. We just find the letter spectacular.
A few months back, I began to realize that I was falling in love with a woman I have known for some time but never got to know well. Being a hopeless romantic, I penned a letter to her stating that I had come to cherish our time/conversation and that I didn't know where our relationship was headed, but that I was so blessed to have her in my life.

She did not respond directly to the letter, though at other points she had told me that I was "endearing in every way" and made me blush (inside and out, I imagine) with other generous (albeit exaggerated) compliments.

Over the following months, we texted every night before we go to bed, hung out after work, talked intimately about life, and generally appeared to be engaged in the process of falling in love as I have come to know it -- the breaking down of barriers and the full sharing of oneself with another.

Yesterday, after playing board games at a local cafe for a few hours after work, she invited me to her apartment. I accepted, not thinking/expecting that anything physical would occur, but with heart aflutter that this was yet another sign of a desire for romance.

After looking at photos/artwork on her bed, I told her, in no uncertain terms, that I had fallen hard for her. She seemed excited to hear this first-hand, but also cautious, because, as it turns out, she is in an open relationship.

Such relationships are not for me (though I certainly do not begrudge others for engaging in them), but I now find myself between a rock and a hard place with two emotions/thoughts: (1) A wish that she had told me about her status earlier so that I could try to emotionally reorient myself (though I admit that I probably could not have stopped falling for her), and, connected with #1, (2) A concern that our relationship, somewhat paradoxically, cannot continue because we are so close, but cannot take the next step.

Should she have said something earlier? Exclusivity isn't important to her but was it reasonable to assume it wouldn't be for me? Do I try to slowly move away from the intimate communications we've been having, so as to create distance while not being reactive?
Ashley: He's right. She should have told him. But he's such a tool that I don't care.

Lulu: Right?? I mean, I don't agree with Meredith's response, because she comes down hard against open relationships in general. I don't think that you're not allowed to have an open relationship. I do think it's shady not to mention your relationship with someone you're having these intimate Life Conversations with, and who has made it clear he's interested in you, no matter what kind of relationship it is. If she wanted him to be a secondary partner, or whatever, she should have made that clear so he could make an informed decision. But it sounds like she's not particularly into him at all, really.

So I do sympathize with him. It sucks to find out the person you have a crush on is unavailable in the way that you wanted. Realizing you can't be around someone you like because you wanted them as a girlfriend and not a friend is not paradoxical, it is normal, and it sucks.

But I still think that he is a real knob.


  1. In porn you are either 18 or a MILF. There is no in-between. I sort of feel like this blog was the place that point last came up. Maybe I misremember.

    Also, why is that second guy such a knob? Because he used the phrase "heart aflutter" non-ironically?

    Are we so jaded we find it acceptable that dads with teen daughters watch teen porn, but not acceptable that dudes act like swoony sentimental weirdos?

    By we I do actually mean we. I sort of hate this guy because I think making it this far without knowing about her relationship status means he lacks both courage and insight, so that's my excuse.


    I hate that guy in his dumb face.

    Re: Dad's porn - Funny to see it from the other side. Finding porn laying around was akin to finding hidden treasure (GROSS treasure!) when I was a young lad. Oh the hours I'd spend "counting my doubloons".