Notes!

Reader mail! Rosalie alerted us to an awesome smackdown of an advice column suggesting that a 14-year-old lesbian should remain in the closet. Thanks, Rosalie! The original letter appeared in the Dear Lizzie column of the Pennsylvania Patch newspaper, which we may have to start following.

Now, we move onto college. In April 14's Miss Manners, a student doesn't want to share notes!

I am a college student with a question about the etiquette of borrowing notes. It has taken me a long time and a lot of hard work to get to college, as I’ve been financially independent since high school. Now that I’m actualizing my goals of higher education, I take my studies seriously and make a point to not skip class, to do my homework, to understand the material, etc.

There is a girl who was in a couple of my same classes last term and is again currently. She is an excuse maker, and she is constantly behind. She asks me for help. Last week, she asked to borrow notes. I said okay but told her to return them before next class so I could keep my notes in order.

Surprise, she didn’t show up. She brought my notes back to class today, but, since she missed class again on Monday, now wants to borrow those notes. I find it rude that she would ask for a favor, not uphold my conditions, and then ask for another.

I’ve turned down her requests for help in the past, but she keeps asking. I am sick of hearing her self-pitying; none of her excuses are justifiable for consistent lagging (i.e. oversleeping, slow bus, etc.), nor are they more serious than any of the challenges I’ve overcome to be here. Life is hard, so is college; stop making excuses and get to work.

How do I politely tell her that I am not her personal tutor?

Miss Manners responds,

You have a perfect excuse in that your classmate did not abide by the terms you set when lending her your notes. Yet you have fresh experience of how annoying excuses are.

Miss Manners assures you that no such evidence is necessary — nor is using one desirable. Excuses invite the persistent to argue back. You would only bring on another round of her excuses and unreliable promises.

Lulu: I'm not anti-nerd. I'm not anti-take-good-notes or anti-do-well-in-school. I like all of those things! (Although I did not take good notes.) But this LW really rubs me the wrong way, and it's not just the word "actualize." It's pretty clear that the thing about keeping notes in order is an excuse, and the LW doesn't want to share because he (I'll assume it's a he) doesn't think the asker deserves them. He feels put-upon that he has to do all the work and some people GET AWAY WITH DOING NOTHING. I can't stand that attitude.

Granted, the asker sounds like a tool, too--if you borrow something, you should return it before the other person needs it--but what's the big deal with giving out your notes? Why do you have to be possessive of them? Why can't we help each other, regardless of the moral fortitude of our peers?

That said, since he believes that hard work is a sign of virtue and failing to prioritize academics is a sign of worthlessness, he could at least make an effort to find out if the reason she can't make it to class is because of obstacles (e.g. job, family responsibilities, learning difference) or priorities (prefers to sleep, active social life, overloaded on other classes etc.) "Overslept" could mean "I was partying" or "I was working the night shift to PUT MYSELF THROUGH COLLEGE."

But if he doesn't want to share his notes, he should just say so. It seems like the only reason he's doing it is because he's dimly aware that refusing would make it look like he's being uptight, but since that is what he is doing, he should just be honest about it.

Ashley: Or he could just photocopy them.

Effective slacking with Lulu and Ashley

High school nerds are out speciality, and there's one in Dear Abby today.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a junior in high school and taking multiple advanced-placement classes. With all the homework we're assigned, I sometimes need to use lunchtime to finish assignments. My problem is my friends follow me into the school library and talk to me while I'm working. Their constant chatter is distracting and prevents me from concentrating on my assignments.

I don't neglect my friends. I spend hours outside of school with them every week. But I'd rather be left alone when I'm trying to work. My friends don't understand that I'm more focused on academics and long-term goals than my short-term social life.

How can I politely get them to leave me alone when I'm working?

Ashley: Do your homework at home. Problem solved.

Lulu: (a) How long is her lunch break? At my high school it was 20 minutes. How much can you get done in 20 minutes? (b) Isn't it nice to... you know... have a break? in the middle of the day? to... eat lunch? I bet her productivity goes way down in the second half of the day because she is so hungry.

Abby, of course, doesn't tell her to stop doing the extra work, but tells her to be upfront with her friends.

If you haven't told your friends plainly how you feel and clearly drawn a line, you shouldn't blame them for being clueless when they cross it. Tell them you need to concentrate when you're in the library and that they are creating a problem for you. Not only will you be helping yourself, you'll be doing a favor for other students who are trying to study and who are also being distracted.

Lulu: I do agree with Abby that the solution to "My friends don't understand that I'm more focused on academics and long-term goals than my short-term social life" is to, you know, tell them, I guess, but there's no way to say that without essentially say, "You people? I don't like you so much." "You guys, not priority for me."

Ashley: She might do better if she at least made it seem like she slacked off the night before. So she's not blowing them off for work she could do later, she's blowing them off for not working last night!

Lulu: Yeah, I did my fair share of pretending to have slacked more than I did in high school and college.

Ashley: I did not. I always slacked the most possible amount.

Lulu: I still don't see when she eats.

Ashley: During her other classes? But she should do homework during other classes.

Lulu: Right! Multitasking! Maybe she just doesn't like her friends.

Ashley: Maybe! I know I don't. (I don't know that.)

Do not take on Ashley and Lulu in debate club

In today's Dear Abby, a high school freshman tries to decide on extracurriculars. This is totally our bailiwick.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a high-school freshman with a dilemma. I'm a good student and get A's in all my classes. I'm also an athlete. I play year-round softball and have started playing soccer for the high-school team.

My problem is, I took a debate class over the summer and really liked it. I want to join the debate team, but I am unsure if it would be piling too much on my plate for my first year.

I'll be carrying one honors class in addition to two above-grade-level classes. Debate practices are held after sports practices two days a week for one to two hours, so they wouldn't directly conflict with anything except homework time.

Do you think I'm overestimating how much I can handle in extracurricular activities this year?

- Too Ambitious? in Oregon

DEAR TOO AMBITIOUS: The fact that this is causing you concern could be an indicator that it is too much.

That's why, before making up your mind, you should discuss this with your parents as well as your guidance counselor at school.

Lulu: Nope!

Ashley: Not even a little bit.

Lulu: Negatory.

Ashley: Wait, are we talking about Abby's advice, or answering the LW's question?

Lulu: Both. First of all, "ask your parents" is such a blow-off answer that I can't believe she's even running the column, if she's that stumped. Second, no. It's not too much.

Ashley: That's what I meant. Oh noes, one honors class. Poor baby.

Lulu: Yeah. This kid seems like a geek, and for a geek, he is severely overestimating the difficulty of high school. The fact that he's worried isn't a sign that he's right; it's a sign that he's a worrier, which is more indication that he's a geek! Look: a sufficiently motivated geek can pretty much do every club. Maybe not if they are held at the same time, but maybe even then. Since the practices for sports and debate don't conflict, it means they're designed so you can do both, in which case you can definitely do both. You don't start questioning whether it's too much until you have to break nine different rules in order to get your schedule lined up.

Ashley: Even then.

Lulu: And homework is nothing to worry about. Also, homework is boring! Why would you miss out on doing something you enjoy so you can devote more time to something you don't enjoy?

Ashley: Debate club should teach you the skills to get out of homework.

Lulu: Seriously.

Ashley: But before joining debate club, I'd switch to all honors classes.

Lulu: Agreed. The hardest classes are not that much harder than the easy classes and they are more fun because there is more time on the material and less time on basic discipline.

Ashley: Or at least less busywork which takes more time. Nothing like handing in your notebook every week. I had to do that for psych class in high school: hand in my notes for the class. To make sure I was taking them.

Lulu: The thing is, it is easy to quit things if you get overwhelmed. Why make the decision now? Try it out. Even if you fully believe you will drop something, if you sign up for everything to start, the decision about what to drop will be informed by what is actually the most fun.

Ashley: Just do everything. People should have the Starbucks strategy, especially in high school: If you can handle the current load, keep adding stuff.

Lulu: Until the market is saturated?

Ashley: Precisely. You never know how many Starbucks is too many until you reach unprofitability.

Lulu: The other disheartening part of the advice given is that I can almost guarantee a guidance counselor would also tell the student to not to overextend himself, and I really believe that's bad advice! Isn't it better to scale down because of a real reason--"I felt overwhelmed"--than a feared reason--"I was afraid I was going to feel overwhelmed"? Feeling overwhelmed isn't like death: it's temporary and reversible! You don't have to anticipate it. Be limited by real constraints, not imagined ones! Fly, little bird!

Ashley: Why do you always say that? You know we give advice to humans, right, and not to birds?

Lulu: Oh. That makes the debate club I was imagining much less adorable.

I hope nobody copies our pro-plagiarism stance

It's been a few days since we did an academia column, so, in today's Dear Prudence, a question about plagiarism!

Dear Prudence,
I am a graduate student who is finishing my master's thesis. For inspiration, my professor suggested that I look at the thesis of a student who graduated last year and tackled a similar topic. He said it was of the quality that I should be aiming for. I got the thesis and found that most of it is plagiarized word-for-word from a book that I have been using as a source. The subject is rather obscure, and I would not expect my professor to be familiar with the plagiarized book, but I still can't believe that the student got away with it. I don't know what to do. On one hand, I feel it's none of my business, but on the other, I feel the school should know. I also can't help but think that if I don't speak up, during the grading process, my paper will be compared to his, which actually was written by the master in this field.

—Just Want To Graduate

Prudence's anti-plagiarism stance is unsurprising and probably practically and morally correct.

...[N]ow that you have discovered this violation of everything scholarship is supposed to stand for, you must expose it. Take the book and the thesis and highlight a generous selection of relevant passages. Bring it to your professor and explain that as soon as you started reading the thesis, it was obvious it was a work of plagiarism. Let's hope this prompts an investigation and a stripping of this young man's graduate degree.

Probably unsurprisingly to reader(s) of this blog, we take a more, um, morally liberal view of cheating.

Lulu: I can't bring myself to get that incensed about plagiarism.

Ashley: I know I'm supposed to care, I just don't. It's the same with any kind of cheating.

Lulu: From a teacher's point of view, I see how it defeats the purpose, and the school absolutely has a right to try to catch and punish you, but if you can get away with it--I mean, that is a transferable skill.

Ashley: Cheating is how things get done at a job! Rules in academics are stricter than in real life. It's like with programming. Everyone Googles for what they need and cut and pastes other people's code, and that's standard practice in a professional environment, but you'd get in trouble if they caught you doing that on a test.

Lulu: Maybe it's less emotionally charged, because when you get down to it, it's a set of instructions. People don't feel like they put their personality into it. I can see being upset if someone got a lot of money off a story I wrote.

Ashley: I thought you only wrote fan fiction.

Lulu: Okay, a lot of comments. Is an academic work more like a novel or a computer program? Personally, it feels to me more like a computer program: it's to get a job done (convey information), it's not personal and original in the same way as fiction or a memoir. I can imagine feeling differently, so I see why some people get upset. But I do think the consequences of plagiarism allegations in universities outweigh the seriousness of the crime.

Ashley: I don't know if they'd really strip him of his master's. A PhD maybe. They might not want to deal with it.

Lulu: This could really screw him over, though! And there's no way the LW can find out ahead of time. "So, hypothetically... if a master's student were to plagiarize... NOT ME..." I don't think the student actually has a moral duty to protect the plagiarizer, but I also wouldn't want destroying his credentials to be on my conscience.

It depends I guess on how wrong s/he thinks the crime is. Ethically, there is an argument to be made on both sides, but  it would be hard to separate an honest moral opposition to plagiarism from the desire to stick it to the adviser. "Hey, you know that thesis you wanted me to look at? Plagiarized!"

Ashley: I can, but only because I'm morally bankrupt. I would not turn that person in UNLESS I'm sticking it to the advisor. I see no reason not to turn someone in for plagiarism if their plagiarism makes your life difficult. I wouldn't turn someone in for cheating at a test, because I think I will do well enough anyway, but I can see why someone would, if there's a curve.

Lulu: The LW does seem concerned that the thesis wrecks the curve.

Ashley: And, in this particular case, the plagiarism is just so bad. He could have put a little effort into making it less obvious! So I don't feel super bad about turning him in.

Lulu: You think he deserves to be turned in for his poor craftsmanship?

Ashley: Precisely. Put effort in your plagiarism, that's the lesson! It's really an art.

Lulu: We should never be hired to write The Ethicist.

Cheating vs tutoring

Yesterday, Dear Abby posted reader responses to a May 29 letter from a girl who was helping her boyfriend with his classwork.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an "A" student, but my boyfriend, "Rory," has a difficult time in school, so he often comes over for help. [...]

I don't give Rory the answers to questions, but I do give him "hints" and tell him where he's likely to find the answers in the textbooks. I always check that the answers are correct. With his math homework, I tell him each step he needs to take, but he actually does the math himself and then I check for accuracy. If he needs to write an essay, I suggest what he might want to write and help him with some of the edits.

My sister thinks what I do goes far beyond help, and that I'm enabling him to cheat. She feels that while it may help his grades now, I am doing him no favors in the long run.

Lulu: Cheating! We love cheating issues.

Ashley: I know!

Dear Abby doesn't give a firm ruling on the cheating issue, but she does tell the letter writer to back off ("When you suggest topics for your boyfriend's essays, then edit them... the teacher won't see where he needs to strengthen his English skills"). Yesterday, readers pointed out that an easy way to tell if he's actually being benefited is to find out if his test grades improved; presumably, she can't do those for him (and I feel that if she could and did, it would have been mentioned in the "am I cheating?" question.)

Lulu: It's sort of weird that people seem to be reserving their "is it cheating?" judgment until they know if his test grades improved. Like, it's tutoring if it's effective, and cheating if it's not?

Ashley: But if his paper grades and homeworks are improving, then it matters whether his tests are as well, because the skills should be transferable.

Lulu: Right, but--

Ashley: Some people are bad at tests.

Lulu (tragically, like a wounded bat): Yeah.

Ashley: But it's not a bad assumption, at least in math.

Lulu: But she could just be a bad tutor. He forgets as soon as he leaves her house.

Ashley: Then she should stop, because it's ineffective. Ask the teacher for help.

Lulu: Or she could learn tutoring techniques. Google it, get a book, join a tutoring group if they have one at her school. I guess I'm wondering what her goal is. Does she want to help him learn, or help him pass? She doesn't really say. If she just wants to help him pass, she might as well just cheat.

Ashley: True.

Lulu: Not that--

Ashley: We're not advocating cheating.

Lulu: Cheating is wrong.

Ashley: Wrong!

Lulu: Wrong, and bad. Anyway, as the A-student, she's got more to lose if they get caught.

Ashley: Teachers always suspect the girlfriend.**

Lulu: Maybe she wants to help him learn, and he just wants to pass.

Ashley: Ha ha. That does seem likely.

I know from trying to tutor kids myself that students have a vast arsenal of ways to get out of actually doing any work when you're there to help them--even when they theoretically want to learn. Staring at you blankly until you provide an answer for them, for example. The writer needs to either commit to helping him learn, in which case she's doing too much of the work herself and needs to get him more engaged; or she needs to admit to herself that she's okay with cheating and do the work herself, since it would be easier (this is not the recommended avenue); or she needs to wash her hands of Rory's grades. It just seems like her current methods are a lot of work and inefficient no matter what she wants to do.

* again, it could be a boy! we don't know! but since s/he shares a room with a sister, I'm assuming female.

** One of the reader responses from yesterday:

I used to teach at the university level. For 20 years I watched this happen. Never once was it the boyfriend "helping" the girlfriend. If we got two essays on the same topic, it was always the girlfriend who had written it, while the boyfriend who "studied with her" or "used it as a model" ended up handing in a distorted version of the same paper -- same quotes, same structure, reworded sentences. The boyfriends were slacking off; their girlfriends were doing the work.

I have talked about this with other professors; only one could cite a single exception to this rule. Thank you for telling that young woman to stop doing his homework and please, Abby, let your readers know the issue is systemic.

Ashley: I CALL FOUL: it's a liberal arts prof.

Choosing the college that's right for you

Today Ashley and I address a topic of unnecessarily overarching importance to many young advice seekers: choosing the Right College For You.

From Annie's Mailbox, May 22, 2007:

Dear Annie: I am 17 years old and going to be a senior in high school in the fall. Pretty soon, I will be making some very important decisions about my future and choosing where I want to go to college. I get nearly straight A's and could probably get into most of the places I plan to apply to. Here's my dilemma:

My boyfriend of almost two years is already in college and wants me to go to the same school he does. His college is an OK school, but nothing spectacular, and I feel I could do a lot better. I looked at several of the colleges near his, but frankly, none of them appeals to me.

I want to be with my boyfriend because we've already been apart for the past year and I miss him. What should I do?

Annie, of course, tells the writer to forget the boyfriend and pursue the very highest level of education possible. And while we understand Annie's point--the relationship is not likely to make it past Thanksgiving of freshman year whether she goes to his school or not, and What College You Went To is forever--we question the givens (i.e., that What College You Went To really matters.)

Ashley: Look, I went to a school to be with my boyfriend, and even though we broke up in the first year, it was still the best choice for me.

Lulu: You met me!

Ashley: Aside from that. Sometimes the worse school is the better choice.

Lulu: You get out of classes what you put into them--whether it's Harvard or Community College of Bumblefuck. You can have a great or a terrible academic experience anywhere.

Ashley: Right, and the instructors at smaller/less prestigious schools are often more engaged than the hardcore academic professors.

Lulu: On the other hand, it seems kind of like she's made up her mind that, for whatever reason, she doesn't want to go to her boyfriend's school, and she just wants validation. After all, she wrote into Annie.

Ashley: Her reasons for not wanting to may go away when it's a difference between "free college education" and "$100k in debt." Look, if you want to study engineering, and you get into MIT, Stanford, or CalTech, you go, no questions asked. But other than that, it just doesn't matter.

Lulu: Right, or RISD for art.

Ashley: Suuure. Art.

Lulu: I think leaving it up to money is honestly the best strategy, because it's emotionally neutral. It's hard to regret saving thousands of dollars. The school doesn't have to be so wonderful that it beats the joy of being near the boyfriend, and the boyfriend doesn't have to be so wonderful he's worth turning down Brown--wherever she ends up, the relationship or the reputation of the school are bonuses, not Reasons She Changed Her Life. She should apply everywhere, and go to whichever school ends up being cheapest.

Ashley: Or whichever one accepts her. "Almost" straight As isn't that great.

Lulu: I hate you.

Parents can also complicate the college choice, and as this letter writer found out in a Dear Abby column of December 13, 2008, advice columnist side with the parents.

DEAR ABBY: I am a senior in high school, and my friends and I are all looking at different colleges. I have one friend whose parents are all about deciding what is right for him and won't let him make the final decision as to where he should go. They believe that choosing a college is all about connections and what careers make the most money.

Shouldn't my friend be able to pursue his dream of becoming a writer and attend the college of his choice? Should his parents be able to make the decision about where he should go?

Lulu: The question is, do the parents have the right to choose the school, if they are the ones paying for it?

Ashley: Yes. Yes they do.

Lulu: Okay, yeah, I mean, it's their money, but don't they have some kind of a responsibility to let the kid start to make his own, adult choices?

Ashley: Not if his adult choice means I'm paying $100k for art history.

Lulu: It's going to be a waste of money anyway if they pack a kid off to LSE if he hates math, you know? You can refuse to pay for Sarah Lawrence, but you can't make him be motivated to become a manager.

Ashley: I'd offer less money for certain majors.

Lulu: So complicated. You'd have to come up with a whole system.

Ashley: I'd do it. $100k for engineering, $20k for English.

Lulu: Yeah, I mean, that's rational. I'm not saying I'm against it. I just think he needs to go to hell his own way.

Ashley: That's your answer to everything, isn't it?

Lulu: It is my generalized parenting philosophy, yes. Didn't you feel bad for those kids in college who were always arguing with their parents about why they didn't want to study finance? Half the time their parents were misinformed about what majors would be useful by the time they graduated, anyway. They can't be micromanaging his adult life.

Ashley: In that case, they shouldn't give him any money.

Lulu: Right, but lots of parents, if they can afford it, want their kids to go to college. I mean, I bet they'd also be pissed if he chose not to go to college because he wouldn't accept money on their terms. I see Abby's point, but if it were the parents writing in, I feel like I'd want to tell them not to intervene in what the kid studies.

Ashley: But they didn't write in.

Lulu: True. I still don't think the parents are right, but in the end, it really doesn't matter. You can't make people give you money when they don't want to.

Ashley: I don't think the parents are right, but I don't think expecting them to pay in the first place is a good idea. It's great if they do, but it's your life.

Lulu: Right. Whether or not the parents are right is ultimately academic. Even if they were denying you something you really believed was your right--food or going to high school or something--the best thing to do isn't to whine that it's unfair, but to say "fuck em" and find some way to do without them.

Ashley: You can really see paying $100k for your kid to get an English degree?

Lulu: Oh hell no. My kids are getting scholarships or going to state.

Ashley: $100k is what state costs, these days.

Lulu: My kids are getting scholarships or apprenticing with a plumber.

Ashley: Oh, a plumber? What on eaaaaaaarth is that?

College is great, but if what you want out of college (as most people do) is to learn some things and meet some people, then you can be happy anywhere there's students and teachers together in one place. Most high school students are unsure about what they want to ultimately study, so the only rational way to make the decision is based on (a) what you can best afford, taking into account scholarships and parents' willingness to pay, and (b) "irrational" reasons, such as the location of your boyfriend/friends/favorite city/favorite climate/where your whimsy takes you. So don't stress out: wherever you go, there you are.