Thursday, March 22, 2012

Return to the Valley of the Porn

Yesterday's Dear Abby was titled A debate on why men love porn. This is the kind of debate we enjoy!
DEAR ABBY: At a recent dinner party, the men and women got into a debate about porn. The men said men love porn because it shows women enjoying sex with abandon. We women protested that women who behave this way in real life are labeled "sluts" by both men and women.

Do men not realize this makes no sense? If you can't answer this, maybe your male readers can.

- No Fan of Porn
Abby responds,
DEAR NO FAN: I posed your question to a recognized expert - Larry Flynt.

He said that men love porn because men are aroused by the VISUAL. Then he added that women are more turned on by the written word, which is why torrid romance novels are so popular.
Lulu: Well, true. It's not really a response to the postulate. But I do like how Abby/Larry sidestep the whole debate, thus implying that the LW's postulate BS.

Ashley: Well, it is. She doesn't explain why women don't like porn, or why she doesn't.

Lulu: If i'm reading her correctly, her proposition is that if women in the real world were celebrated for visibly enjoying sex, she would enjoy porn?? Or, I suppose, that it's irrelevant why women do or don't like porn, but that men have a double standard by enjoying one set of behavior in porn and another in real people.

Ashley: I think she's just looking for excuses. But sure, let's take her at face value. She's concerned that what men like to watch bears little resemblance to what they like in real life. Well, that's certainly not limited to porn.

Lulu: Right, people saying they want one thing but actually wanting another isn't the fault of the depiction of the thing they want/don't want

Ashley: There are lots of things I like in TV that I would hate in a person. So even if they do only like slutty behavior in fiction... what's wrong with that?

Lulu: Like I like it when men cry on TV.

Ashley: Yeah, I like a lot of emotional drama. But real people in my life have a crying-in-front-of-me limit of about once per year.

Lulu: Yeah, I'd be like... okay, so... aaaanyway... (backs slowly out the door)

Ashley: I'd label them a sissy, to get it back to offensive gender stereotypes! So you can have a perception of women who enjoy sex as being sluts, which is a problematic assumption, sure, but there's no hypocrisy in liking that behavior in fictional women. It's not a double-standard, it's just a stupid single standard.

Lulu: Although I suppose pointing to that problematic assumption could seem like a natural response to the LW's men friends' defense that porn is good because it shows women enjoying sex, which seems like a pointed attempt to make it seem pro-woman, when it's really just that you like what turns you on.

Ashley: That's true. It does seem to be like, "well, no real life women enjoy sex, so I have to turn to porn." But that's the kind of answer you're going to get if you ask people about their hobbies--some bullshit that they come up with because the real answer is, "I dunno. I just like it."

Lulu: It's certainly the kind of answer you'll get if you ask people why they sexually desire what they do, because that is totally like, I don't know, I looked at a bunch of stuff until I got a funny feeling...
a funny TINGLY feeling. I liked it. So I did the same thing again.

Ashley: I actually find people who overanalyze their desires problematic. It seems like rationalizing after the fact in all cases. The reason it sounds hollow is because it is.

Lulu: Well, yeah, I mean, I feel like most of the reasons we give for everything is BS rationalization. "Why do you like that?" "Why did you do that?" "Why did you come here?" "Why do you want to work for LexCorp?"

Ashley: I WANT TO TOUCH HIS SHINY HEAD WHAT

Lulu: Which would turn into: "I'm looking for a challenging atmosphere where I can grow and demonstrate my ruthless leadership capabilities over a number of interesting minions." There's various theories that the process of rationalizing your desires makes you lose touch with your gut reaction, which is actually most indicative of your true wants. Like that cat poster study -- subjects who were asked to justify the reason for choosing one free poster over another made different choices, and were less satisfied with them. So the good news is that maybe if the person makes the guy explain why he likes porn enough, he'll get confused and stop liking it.

2 comments:

  1. Cuz boobs!

    This bit: "The men said men love porn because it shows women enjoying sex with abandon. We women protested that women who behave this way in real life are labeled "sluts" by both men and women."

    Is weird maybe? I guess it depends on what they mean by "enjoying sex with abandon" - my initial read was that they enjoy a watching a lady get down in some crazy positions with a lot of TOTALLY REAL TO ME noises. It would seem strange to say that women who did that in real life would be classified as slutty because... nuh uh? I don't think any dude who is deep in some lady parts and witnessing behavior like that is all "Whatta slut". Because he is too busy thinking that he just reached level 100 of sex godhood.

    If "with wild abandon" was meant to refer to the fact that porn ladies are going down on like nine dudes at once then, sure, that probably gets called slutty out here in the real world.

    In closing, sometimes I am just typing out the things as I think through them.

    Cuz boobs.

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  2. If the latter, it's pretty fun that that's the argument the guy was taking -- "It's so hard to find a nice girl out here in the real world who likes books, long walks on the beach, and going down on like nine dudes at once!" If that's what he really thinks, then the LW's response is valid: maybe he should look at his own behavior and make sure he is part of the solution.

    Also, Dan Savage rightly points out that there are two ways to get someone you're compatible with both sexually and dating-wise: (a) limit your dating to mutually satisfying one-night stands, kink websites, etc., so you're only dating people who are into what you're into, or (b) find a nice person you like through traditional dating and then mold them into your perfect sex partner by (in gradual stages, if necessary) being open about your desires and game for satisfying theirs.

    So good luck to him with that.

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