Monday, September 6, 2010

The Endless Springcycle

Yesterday, Darnell and I discussed a Dear Abby letter about designated drivers, but because there were two letters about drunkenness in the column, I decided to take advantage of his vast, vast experience (vast) and ask about the other.

Lulu: So, about the other letter.

Darnell: Yeah. This is very Jerry Springer.

Lulu: I feel like Dear Abby's response is a little terse. Technically, she only asks for validation, but I feel like she is secretly asking for a course of action.

Darnell: The problem being there isn't a great one that I know of. How to get over a fucked up situation in ten days?

Lulu: Well, she's asking about trust...

Darnell: Start banging Jill?

Lulu: ...

Darnell: ...

Lulu: Oh, wait. We are talking about different letters!

So it looks like we will be doing a hat trick of the letters in Saturday's Dear Abby.

Letter the third: drunken shenanigans cont'd
DEAR ABBY: I became fast friends with one of my husband's co-workers after meeting her at a happy hour. We had fun going out, usually to dance clubs.

One night when my husband tagged along, I overheard her tell him, "If you weren't married, I could be with you." When I confronted her about it the next night, she apologized, saying she had been feeling no pain and can't believe she said it. My husband chalks it up to her being stupid drunk, but I can't let it go.

Now when I see her at work functions, I am cordial and she acts like nothing ever happened. We could have been great friends if she hadn't said what she did, but each time I think I can bury the hatchet, I get angry and upset all over again.

Should I just get over it? Or am I justified in feeling I can't be friends with someone I can't trust?

- Distrustful in Illinois

DEAR DISTRUSTFUL: You're justified. And I'm saying it cold sober.
Darnell: Wow, that is a terse response from Abby.

Lulu: Right?

Darnell: "Feeling no pain" is a great "I'm hammered" phrase.

Lulu: I did not know it and it made that letter very confusing.

Darnell: Her husband sounds like me.

Lulu: You're always getting hit on by your wife's friends?

Darnell: Naturally. But the "she's a stupid drunk" response is a good one.

Lulu: "She's stupid drunk," I believe. No "a". It is less mean that way.

Darnell: Right, right. Being drunk and being a drunk are two entirely different things.

Lulu: Well, being stupid and being stupid drunk are different things. Ot would be great if the husband were just like, "She is a stupid drunk and I hate her." I think that would have helped actually. The wife would be less insecure.

Darnell: A lot of these letters have a theme of, "We could have been great friends/lovers/whatevs," if it weren't for their personality. Stop idealizing people you just met because they are initially fun!

Lulu: Yeah, and because you don't know them. You don't just assume everything you don't know is amazing!

Darnell: That second letter has the same problem.

Lulu: Oh, fine, we'll discuss your precious second letter.

Letter the second: Banging Jill
DEAR ABBY: "Tracey" is beautiful, caring and fun to spend time with. I fell hard for her and knew I could love her forever. When she broke up with me to "be on her own," I was very hurt.

My best friend, "Henry," says he started sleeping with Tracey right after our breakup. I was his best man when he married "Jill." Now Henry has left Jill for Tracey, and I am left with a sick stomach. How do I heal my wounds while supporting Jill, which keeps them painfully open?

- Heartsick in Ohio

DEAR HEARTSICK: One way would be to remind yourself that as "caring and fun" as Tracey was to be with, she had no reluctance about dating a married man. Another would be to level with Jill, explain that spending time with her is a painful reminder of the way you were dumped, and take a break from it until you have healed.
Darnell: In retrospect I bet the first line of: "Tracey is beautiful, caring and fun to spend time with" means "Tracey is hot."

Lulu: No question. Fun to spend time with means she was fun to have sex with. Caring means she has nice eyes. Actually, it's probably not a bad move if every time an LW lists a litany of good qualities, we read it as "hot... really hot... really very hot." Unless they say "sweet," and then we know it means "plain."

Darnell: People call me sweet!

Lulu: Oh no!

Darnell: That's a lie. Nobody calls me sweet, because I am a jackass.

Lulu: I do think girls use it often to mean "I like this person, but I am not that interested in actually dating them." This has become an enormous digression.

Darnell: I use it to describe candy.

Lulu: Well, that's exactly what I mean. I like candy... but I would not date candy.

Darnell: I would totally date candy. And then there would be a headline in the paper. MAN EATS GIRLFRIEND.


Darnell: I honestly think that "bang Jill" is the best course of action. It completes the Springcycle and then everyone can get over it!

Lulu: Wait, he says he is "supporting Jill." Doesn't that already mean he is banging Jill?

Darnell: I don't know, he sounds like kind of a pussy. He could actually be providing emotional support.

Lulu: In that case, he should totally make a move on Jill, and if she rebuffs him, then she will probably not want to spend time with him anymore,
and his problem is solved!

Darnell: We are idea people.

Lulu: Ha ha. Except that doesn't actually solve anything.

Darnell: Look, the situation is in a place that cannot be fixed, so just complete it and move on.

Lulu: I guess maybe they wouldn't feel so bad about getting left. Or they wouldn't feel like the other people scored points, because they got points too? You know... Sex points.

Darnell: Jill gets revenge on "Henry" for cheating. LW gets vengeance on "Henry" because he broke bro-code by sexing up "Tracey" when he knew the LW was into that.

Lulu: Yeah, it also seems like Henry was a little dumb about it - he told the LW he was sleeping with Tracey right after the break up! He should have been like, "Well, you know... these things happen... she was on her own for.. cough months..."

Darnell: He was already lying, he just didn't do it hard enough. Because they were having sex before the breakup. That is just scientific fact.

Lulu: Oh my god. You're right. So what, the only solution is for the LW to bang Jill better than Henry is banging Tracey, yeah?

Darnell: He does have to one-up on at least one level. If he can't pull off better, and I somehow doubt that he can, more often. In the butt. Just pick a goal that you can achieve. I guarantuee he can find soemthing that will make Jill say, "Henry never did ." Jill probably has plenty of ideas; the injured party is always eager to talk about inadequacies.

Lulu: There is only one problem with this advice that I can think of. What if Jill is ugly?

Darnell: We're all God's children in the dark, Lulu.

That's right, folks: it took one column left without the calming supervision of Ashley to advocate revenge-driven sexual one-upmanship. Hello and goodbye, everybody!

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