Tiny House

Lulu: Check out this awesome girl in Annie's Mailbox.

I am a 14-year-old girl. I am arguably the smartest in the school and have never lacked confidence. I admit I am prideful and have never questioned my self-worth. I am always the one in the group with a sarcastic remark, although I am always careful never to hurt anyone with my words. I consider myself literate beyond my years.

This past week, my friends said they didn't think I could be truly "nice." I don't question my friends. I know they are the best of the group, and I am thankful for them. But one of them described me as "cold." This upsets me a great deal, as I thought I had been doing better opening up to people and being less aloof. I thought I was succeeding, but I have failed miserably.

I don't particularly want to be Miss Congeniality, but I also don't want to be labeled as cruel or cold. I am fun loving and can be sweet and compassionate. It appears to be overlooked that I do volunteer service regularly and have befriended "outcasts" when others wouldn't look their way. I really do try, and I know my personality is getting in the way. But I don't know how else to present myself.

I don't want to alienate myself from others. It sounds really stupid, but I want to be the stereotypical girl everyone wants to be with. Just a little. How can I open up after 14 years of acting totally self-sufficient?

Darnell: Immediately, this girl has Asperger's. She is Tiny House. ...Bungalow?

Lulu: The thing about House is that he is (or professes to be) fine with not being liked.

Darnell: Maybe he secretly writes into Dear Annie when nobody is looking.

Lulu: I bet he does! "I love them, but I keep pushing them away! What is wrong with me?"

Darnell: I think that every middle-to-high school outcast thinks that they are the smartest person in the school. It is the only thing they can cling to.

Lulu: True. I'm not sure she was condescending as much as she thinks she was to the outcasts she befriended. Maybe they were also like "Oh, i better befriend this outcast."

Darnell: And now regret it EVERY day.

Annie responds:

You sound smart, sassy and completely self-centered. Nearly every sentence in your letter has "I" in it. It seems as if you behave in order to be admired, and this is what your friends are reacting to.

If you truly want to open up, take a genuine interest in your friends without comparing their accomplishments to yours. Ask how they're doing and how they feel. See if you can make it through the day without saying something snarky.
Don't brag about yourself. Make your friends feel important to you. You can be assertive and still develop some humility. It will help.

Darnell: I love advice that boils down to "Stop being yourself." Because that is clearly not working for this girl.

Lulu: And to try to appear nice, which I think she has been trying. It just seems like her previous attempts to appear nice have rung false and insincere in her friends' ears.

Darnell: Probably because those attempts were both false and insincere.

Lulu: I'm not sure she can invent sincerity though. Annie tells her to be genuinely interested in her friends, can you do that?

Darnell: No, you cannot. I think what you can do is make a real effort to not be such a self-important doucher.

Lulu: I do agree that trying to not think about everyone else as peons will help her stop treating them in a way such that they recognize they are so many peons to her.

Darnell: We said the same thing but you said it more nicely! An alternate route is to play up being cold and mean. Focus it outside of your group, obv, for laughs!

Lulu: Yeah, I mean, we started off talking about House, and his method is: be a jerk, be known for being a jerk. Show a TINY AMOUNT of basic decency to those closest to you. SOMETIMES. They will grow to crave it.

Darnell: If you're aggressively cruel to people outside your group, you can probably ramp it down to just neutral with your friends and it will be mistaken for kindness. Warning: May get you punched in the mouth.

Lulu: If she really is somewhere on the autism spectrum, it could be that she doesn't communicating in a way that most people expect, and that is why she is coming off as cold. On Wrongplanet.net users with autism and Asperger's have written some useful step-by-step guides to social niceties. Which I know for no reason. No reason in particular.

Darnell: Wow, actual advice.

Lulu: I'm also asking Ashley for her take!

*

Ashley: Yeah, I mean, it's hard to fake being nice if you aren't.

Lulu: Right. People can tell when you're being insincere. I speak from experience.

Ashley: Although people think you're insincere regardless of your sincerity.

Lulu: I don't know why! I don't mean to be mean!

Ashley: I don't believe you. I guess not being nice occasionally prevents me from doing things other people might want to do, but they're never things I want to do. I guess I don't see the problem of being cold.

Lulu: Well, if she has zero friends, it might be lonely.

Ashley: She has friends. They're the ones who told her she's cold. If my friends told me I was cold, I'd say that you have friendships with different people for different reasons. Presumably I have good qualities that are not "niceness," and the friendships should focus on that instead of expecting me to be something I'm not. It doesn't sound like she expects intelligence from her friends, so why do they expect niceness from her?

Lulu: She shouldn't say THAT part.

Ashley: Ha ha. I WOULD.

*

Lulu: Ha ha. Ashley said the girl in the column should say to her friends, "I don't expect you to be smart, so why would you expect me to be nice?"

Darnell: That is a good way to not have friends!

Lulu: I love our advice.

Darnell: Their response would likely be that they are both smart and nice. After all, they are outcasts so they are the smartest people in the school.

Unsolicited Advice On: Online Dating

Online dating has been the topic of several columns recently (well, sort of recently: we are so behind!)

Coincidentally, November 16 saw the misrepresentative-photo-from-online-profile problem in both Amy Alkon and Dr Lovemonkey. The questions, respectively:

I've been on about 20 dates with girls I met online, and 15 of them were much heavier than they were in their photos. I'm getting a little tired of this. Is there some acceptable way to ask a woman how much she weighs before you meet up?

and

I have recently tried online dating... my last few dates have all lied about themselves in some way that was not revealed until we met... I understand that everyone ages and people often gain weight, but we're talking fairly dramatic differences here (like Cheers-era Kirstie Alley vs. late-model Kirstie Alley). That people physically change is understandable and I have flaws and am not that rigid about how people look. It is the blatant misrepresentations (a lot like lying) that I have trouble accepting. Am I a jerk because I feel this way?

Lovemonkey agrees ("Someone who would send out 15-year-old pictures of someone 25 pounds thinner leads one to think, what else would he/she misrepresent to get the date?"), but doesn't offer specific advice. Alkon says to keep trying, in spite of the misrepresenters: "Just think of them as a price you have to pay for the easy access -- a sort of high technology fee. In the future, assume everyone's lying and be pleasantly surprised when someone isn't. To keep your emotional costs down, try to get women to meet you as soon as possible for a quick drink instead of carrying on at length by phone and e-mail."

Even though I often shake my fist at Amy Alkon's dating advice because it often boils down to "do not ask a guy out if you are a woman because blah blah blah cavemen blah blah thrill of the chase" (tell me, if me-Tarzan-you-Jane dawn-of-man savannah impulses are so powerful, how come I only like willowy, effeminate, beautiful, poor, weak, sickly men?), I've been continually agreeing with her stance on online dating. In a December 29 column, someone wrote in:

I've had some good experiences with online dating, but I just can't get over this feeling that it just isn't natural or sexy.

Amy responded,

...with Internet dating, instead of waiting for that chance meeting, you have increase-your-chances meetings. With a few keystrokes, you can connect with countless people you probably never would've met, and select for the right religious beliefs, smoking habits, and/or weird sex habits instead of spending hours trying to tease the answers out of some guy in a bar.

Where people go wrong is in turning what should actually be called "online meeting" into online dating. The same woman who'd go home with a near stranger she met in a bar will spend weeks e-mailing a guy to assess how good his grammar is before she'll feel safe enough to meet him. She'll tell herself she's vetting the guy, but what she's probably doing is getting attached -- not to the actual guy, but her idea of the guy, and maybe how smart and funny she is when she's talking to him. Investing all this time and emotion makes it somewhat devastating when she finally meets the guy and finds that he looks wrong, talks wrong, dresses wrong, and smells like rotting liver.

So, sure, there are pitfalls in online dating, but it can be a great tool if you use it wisely.

I have been internet dating on and off for a few years now. (Er, this is Lulu, by the way. Ashley has a "real life" boyfriend who is a "knight" and has an "IQ of 209". Whatever.) While I'm possibly a terrible person to give advice on it because it's never gotten me a relationship of more than a few weeks, I would argue that that is simply because I am terrible at dating. The Internet part--from profile to first meeting--I would say I'm pretty decent at. So without further ado, here is my unsolicited advice for online dating!

The Profile

Do: Include one or more clear, recent photos in your profile (or send them with the first message, if you're using a personal ad/message board style site like Craigslist). By "clear" I mean that your face should be plainly visible--no weird close-ups of your eye or artsy black and white shots showing only your lips--and by "recent" I mean "taken within the last year." More recently if you have recently drastically changed your hair or become covered in pustules.

While it's clearly not in your best interest to post an unflattering picture, it's also not in your best interest to try to rope people in with a non-representative photo. Ideally, this person will actually meet you. Not only will they feel lied to, but they will lack the necessary tools to recognize you in a crowd.

Do: Include some basic content in your profile--your main interests, hobbies, and pastimes are good ones. "I will fill this in later" or "if you want to know about me, just ask" do not make good profiles.

Don't: Write a novel. (Yes, I'm aware of the irony: this post is long.) OKCupid, in particular, rewards you for a long profile, but really, people don't have the attention span to read through a list of every movie you've ever seen or a ten-paragraph essay on how complicated you are. It's hard to sum yourself up in a few sentences, but you really don't have to: you just have to provide an icebreaker.

Don't: List what you don't want in a potential mate ("no mind games, no judgmental bitches, no fatties"). It makes you seem negative. (YES YES I AM STILL AWARE OF THE IRONY.)

Sending a First Message

Do: Send out first messages. Don't be shy! The system doesn't work if you're shy. Like the profile, the first message doesn't have to be long, but it should give them something to respond to. "You seem cool" is fine to say, but by itself it's insufficient to start a conversation. (I feel the same way about "woos" or "winks" or whatever. I never respond to them, because I don't know how) Comment on something they mentioned in their profile; ask a question.

Don't: Look at the person's profile and comment on everything everything everything that is there.

Darnell: This is something I have to curb in my own writing of messages. I am easily excited, and tend to defy your don't write a novel rule. I also switch very easily from "writing a hello" to "writing for my own amusement."

Lulu: Same here, really. But it can be confusing to be on the other end, because you start to assume that the fact that they wrote so much to you means they really like you. But they might just like themself!

Don't: Pin all your hopes and dreams on the person responding. You may not receive a response, and that is okay. There are many face-saving reasons why this might be--perhaps the person is extremely popular and can't possibly respond to everything without a personal secretary; perhaps they are no longer interested in online dating because they have an exclusive girlfriend or boyfriend or they've become a monk, but they forgot to update their profile; perhaps they are secretly only interested in a specific physical type, e.g. morbidly obese with tiny tweety bird ankles; perhaps they died. Hopefully.

Receiving a First Message

Don't: Respond if you know you're not interested. I can see the argument against this--it's only polite to respond rather than ignoring somebody, and I will contradict myself later by advising you not to cut off contact without warning or explanation after a few messages. But it seems to be standard practice simply not to respond to first messages if you know you have no interest in following up, such that to do otherwise would just get the person's hopes up.

Do: Respond if you're not sure if you're interested or not. Only time will tell!

Don't: Overanalyze the person's first message. It can be hard to know what to say. Cut them some slack.

Do: Look at the person's profile, and find something there to comment on or respond to in addition to responding to their ice breaker comments or questions.

Messaging

Do: Sign off messages with your real first name. It's silly to have to think of somebody you're becoming fond of as "xMEGATRONx412".

Don't: Message obsessively, ie. instant messaging or more than two letters per day, in advance of meeting. I agree with Alkon that the goal of online dating should be to meet somebody, not to form a whole relationship through messages. There are so very many ways for things to go off the rails when you meet them (what if you have nothing to talk about in person? what if they look nothing like their photograph, and you are shallow? what if they have the exact mannerisms of your evil ex?) Similarly, don't make plans for the future, other than meeting for coffee.

Do: Arrange a meet-up as soon as possible, for the reasons outline above. When is as soon as possible? Obviously it's silly to propose meeting up in your FIRST message, before you even know if they will respond to you. I can see proposing a meet-up in your response if you are the recipient of the first message, but that feels premature too, and to immediately follow up your own first-contact message with a request to meet feels pushy, too.

Therefore I posit that the sweet spot is when a total of 4-7 messages have been exchanged, or, in other words, when you have received two messages from the other person (whether you started the correspondence or not). One message could be seen as randomness or politeness, but two messages, to me, indicates a certain baseline level of interest.

Do: Explicitly decline a meet-up invitation if you are not interested in meeting up. Unless they've asked you to coffee in their first message like a weirdo, by the time you are asked for a meeting, you're at a point where I think it's impolite and cold to simply not respond. It's not necessary to go into details--"Sorry, I'm not looking to meet up in person, but thanks for the offer" is sufficient.

(Telling them the real reason also has its pros and cons. Letting them know, "I'm put off by your bad grammar" or "I found your racist manifesto on Google" may help them change their ways for a future potential date. But it also gives them room to argue. You're by no means obligated to respond to an argument, but it's probably simpler to just follow the usual Miss Manners advice for turning down an invite (example: vague, but firm.)

Do: When in doubt, agree to the meetup! Isn't that what you're there for?

Darnell: Along the same lines as not assuming you'll want to date them because you found their messages intriguing: even if you didn't find their messages intriguing, maybe they really shine in person!

Basically, if you have nothing better to do, meet them anyways. Worst case scenario they murder you. Realistic worst case scenario, you get to tell your friends a funny story about your terrible date later at the bar. You become the toast of the town due to your humorous anecdotes and take over for Fallon in the late night spot when he is fired due to low ratings that are not Jay Leno's fault.

...This is starting to read like the end of a choose your own adventure book. "If you go on the bad date, flip to page 51."

Lulu: Online dating--dating in general--is kind of like that! You find yourself back on page 5 a lot. Easy come, easy go.

Darnell: And you just cannot figure out how to get to Page 15 where you become a spaceman.

Lulu: Right! You saw that part...

Darnell: Because you cheated. But then you felt bad about cheating.

Lulu: That's exactly what dating is like.

Meeting Up

Dan Savage has a list of tips about meeting people from the Internet (example) and while he usually focuses on meeting for no-strings-attached sex, his advice is good for all kinds of meetings:

Do: Meet for the first time in a public place, such as a coffee shop or bar.

Don't: Meet for the first time for the activity itself (sex, erotic foot massage, starting a relationship...) You shouldn't consider the first meeting a first date. It is just a first meeting. No matter how good the messages were, you really won't know, until you meet them, if you will want to date them or not.

Do: Have somewhere to be afterward. That way, if things go badly, you have an out, and if things go well, you are not tempted to pressure the other person / bow to pressure to make it an actual date.

Do: Let a friend know where you will be and who you will be with.

Do: Counterintuitively, I'm going to advise you to give the other person your real contact information (full name, phone number). It looks and feels skeevy to be given false information. I'd think twice about meeting someone who refused to reveal their real name. Plus, it's just a bad idea to try to meet someone you've never met without having some reliable, instant way to contact them if, say, you're running late or can't find them.

After the Meetup

Don't: Initiate further contact if you're not interested. This is another case I think where quietly disappearing is okay; in best case scenario, the other person also quietly disappears and you're golden. However,

Do: Respond if they initiate further contact. At this point, the person is asking you on a date unless otherwise specified, so respond accordingly. You don't have to give them a whole break-up speech like you've already had a relationship, but you should specifically turn them down if you don't want to go, using the standard methods ("No thanks," "I'm reeeeeally busy," "I just want to be friends", etc.)

Do: Initiate further contact if you're not sure whether you're interested or not. The other person could be in the same boat, and if so, it's better to give it a shot than give up too soon. I AM BAD AT THIS.

If you do go out again, congratulations! You are now on a date with an actual person, and it no longer matters how you met.

And that's it! That's all I know.

I don't drink; how come my friends don't ask me to the bar anymore?

Another drinking question--or rather a not-drinking question--in yesterday's Dear Abby:

Dear Annie: I am 19 years old and a sophomore in college. I have a large circle of friends who are some of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Or so I thought.

I have never been one to drink or party, not because I looked down on it, but simply because it wasn't my scene. When I entered college, I made new friends who enjoyed going out and drinking every weekend. I thought I might be missing something, so I went along. After a semester of this, I realized that the partying could be fun, but I didn't much like the way I felt after a weekend of drinking. I preferred socializing sober.

About the same time, I also decided to improve my health with meticulously planned workouts and a strict diet that left no room for empty alcohol calories. I loved my new healthier lifestyle, but my friends did not. They began badgering me every weekend to drink with them and gave me a hard time if I refused to eat deep-dish pizza and onion rings.

After a month or two, they began excluding me from their plans altogether. I was hurt. I never condemned them for their choices and would never preach to them. I don't understand why I should be left out because I make different food and drink choices.

I don't want to ditch my friends entirely. It would be next to impossible to find a group of college students who don't behave the same way, and I don't want to live in isolation. How can I stick to my healthy lifestyle without my friends intentionally excluding me from their social lives?

Abby responds:

This is not an uncommon problem. There is tremendous peer pressure to drink in college, and most people are aware of the "freshman 15" pounds that many students pack on due to the junk food and irregular eating habits. We commend you for choosing a healthier path. But even without preaching, your friends may be uncomfortable around you. You are a walking reminder of their riskier choices.

Explain to them how hurt you are by the exclusion. But also look for new friends, perhaps in the gym or cafeteria or through university organizations.

Darnell: I wonder if she got excluded because she stopped going out with them, and is just sad that she can now no longer turn down their invitations. Usually after the twentieth invitation turned down because somebody doesn't really like to drink, you stop inviting them out to drink.

Lulu: True. She can't be hurt that they don't invite her if she never goes, or if when she does go, she complains and obviously doesn't have fun.

Darnell: And maybe she should stop being such a crybaby. "Oh my friends poke fun at my life choices!" It is called having friends, get used to it. Call them a bunch of alcoholic fatties, have a good laugh and move on.

Lulu: To the extent that I agree with Abby, it's only that she could maybe make some friends who share her interests more. It doesn't sound like she has a whole lot in common with them--that's the problem. I certainly don't think she is a "walking reminder of their riskier choices".

Darnell: The description of her workout and diet routine does not make her sound like a fun person. Meticulous planning and fun college times do not often go together.

Lulu: I don't invite you to beta read my fan fiction, but it's not because you are a walking reminder of my, uh, girlier, sexually deviant, nerdier choices.

Darnell: Right, and I don't invite you on my homeless killing sprees but it isn't because you are a reminder of my lost humanity and innocence. If she is a walking reminder of their riskier choices, it is because she is actually reminding them out loud of how she is making awesome choices and they are not.

Lulu: Even if she makes a conscious effort not to look down on them for not treating their bodies like temples or whatever, it still seems like she is making it clear that they are not as important to her as her rules. And that's fine, everyone has priorities, but she can't complain about it when they notice.

Darnell: Clearly she can! But yes, she shouldn't. You know the reality of this letter is going to be that her friends are worried because she is now anorexic. Instead of making fun of her for not eating fatty foods, they are just pleading, teary-eyed, for her to eat something.

Lulu: Maybe she should build some freebie points into her diet. So she can have like... one drink a month. That wouldn't be so bad, would it?

Darnell: No, that would ruin her diet forever.

Lulu: She knows she wants it. Everybody's doing it. But really, it does seem like her main problem is that she wants to hang out with them without doing the things they like to do. That seems like an impossible request.

Darnell: They never want to go on a twenty mile hike with a picnic made entirely of wheatgrass wah!

Lulu: That's the thing! Has she even asked that? This question is all about negatives--what she doesn't want to do, what they don't do. They're not going to randomly ask her to go to the ice cream social if the bar works for them. She's the one who has to suggest activities that would be acceptable to her. They might just be assuming that because she always turns down their invitations, she's not interested in them anymore, or they might just not know what to ask her to do that she would actually agree to. I don't think she should explain to them how hurt she is--not if she doesn't like mockery--but she should occasionally ask them to do something with her. Something specific.

Darnell: Right, go out to a movie or.... Other... stuff. That isn't drinking. That there is.

Lulu: The aquarium!!!

Darnell: Stop suggesting the aquarium!

Lulu: I like the penguins.

Darnell: I didn't want to bring this up, but I had a bad experience with a penguin in my youth.

Lulu: I initially read that as, "I had a bad experience with a penguin in my mouth."

Darnell: Well that is part two of the story. His little tuxedo was a lie, he was no gentleman.

Roommate sex and gay teen bro code

Darnell: Back to being a commenter. Terrible.

Lulu: There is a drunk roommate drama in Dear Abby today, too.

Darnell: My wheelhouse! She is being un... used... for storing wheels?

Lulu: Our usual advice won't work, though. They already banged.

DEAR ABBY: I have gotten myself into a "pickle" and I don't know how to get out of it.

I rent a house with two roommates (both males) and have always followed a strict rule of not dating roommates or co-workers. One night, I came home after having a few drinks with friends. One of my roommates was up and we started talking. Then he started kissing me. I wasn't thinking clearly, and didn't object when he trotted me off to my room.

I do like him, but only as a friend. There are no sparks for me as there are for him. I don't want this to happen again, but I don't want to hurt him, either. In an ideal world, I'd like to remain friends and roommates, not lovers. Do you have any suggestions?

- Can't Believe I Broke My Rule

in Florida

DEAR CAN'T BELIEVE: Yes, I do. You need to quit drinking or institute another "rule" that you'll stop at two.

Inform your amorous roommate that in the cold sober light of day you regret what happened and don't want to repeat it. It won't "hurt" him; it will let him know where things stand, and it's important that he get that message. If you do remain roommates, maintain some distance - and don't come home "pickled" again because you know what could happen if you do.

Darnell: Dear Abby is telling girls who get drunk and sleep with guys that they might not when sober to stop drinking. I no longer like Dear Abby.

Lulu: Does the girl's description of what happened seem insanely passive to you, even for a "I was so wasted" story?

Darnell: Also "having a few drinks" is a specific phrase that does not mean getting wasted.

Lulu: Come on, the drinking already gives you plausible deniability. You can just say, "I was drunk and I banged him."

Darnell: It does make it sound weirdly rapey.

Lulu: Hm. Yeah, it's unclear what happened--if she is so embarrassed she's attributing everything to him, or if he was like, "Finally, her defenses are weakened! I shall press my advantage!" She still likes him "as a friend," so it kind of seems like the former? But who knows?

Darnell: Maybe her rule is stupid and she actually does like that guy, which is why she banged him. Alcohol isn't actually magical bangin juice. Especially if you already know the person. A stranger you might get a beer-goggled opinion of pretty easily, but your roommate and friend, eh.

Lulu: So you think she likes him, but is really embarrassed to like him for some reason?

Darnell: I want to know if he has begun courting her. Or if she is like, "Oh no no no he thinks we are dating now oh no!" and he is sitting in his room going, "I sure did like having sex, I wonder what's on TV?"

Lulu: She says there are sparks for him, so maybe he has begun brining her flowers and whatnot, and she is like, auuuuuuugh.

Darnell: She says there are sparks for him without providing any corroboration other than that he gave her the ole sausage... Oh, wait, maybe we are overthinking. What if the sex was bad? That would explain everything, right?

Lulu: Oh! I can't believe we didn't think of that sooner. That's what "no sparks" means!

Darnell: We are slow on the uptake today.

Lulu: So Abby's advice is actually fine except that I don't think her getting drunk again would tempt her to repeat the experiment.

Darnell: I don't have a problem with the other half of her advice. The "you made a mistake whilst drunk therefore stop drinking forever" part is dumb.

Lulu: The next letter, the high school drama, is super cute.

DEAR ABBY: I am a girl in high school and have a friend, "Joey," who is gay. Joey saw another guy, "Eric," who he thought was cute, and he made me go over and ask Eric's friend if Eric is gay. His friend told me he is straight.

Eric lives in my neighborhood and we became good friends. He has asked me out and I would say yes, except that Joey said he likes him. Joey has never spoken to Eric and only likes him in an "appreciating" sense. And of course, there's the fact that Eric isn't gay.

What should I do? Does the "girl code" apply to your gay friends, too?

- Conflicted in the South

DEAR CONFLICTED: With the "girl code," girls agree not to date men another girl has her sights set on - theoretically, because there is the possibility that he can be snagged if there's no interference. But in a case like this, where a gay person "appreciates" someone who is straight, the chance is remote to nonexistent. Out of consideration for Joey's feelings, talk with him about this. I'm sure he will appreciate your concern for his feelings - and give you his OK.

Lulu: And actually I agree with Dear Abby's advice to the high school girl too. She is on a roll today! The LW does needs to talk to Joey before she agree to go out with Eric, because I feel like he would be hurt if he found out about it after the fact.

Darnell: I agree with her too, with the addendum that even if the gay friend does not approve, you can still do it. Girl/guy code does not allow you to call dibs indefinitely. Especially if you fail to make a move!

Lulu: Yeah. I actually think it's in Joey's best interest for the girl to date Eric.

Darnell: That is how he will find out that he has been secretly gay this whole time?

Lulu: Well, just in case! In any case, it gives Joey an excuse to hang out with Eric, not that I think he should try to steal him away, but if he does ever develop an interest in a guy, it's more likely to be somebody that he's already friends with. Alternately, getting to know him better might make Joey realize he doesn't like Eric that much after all.

Darnell: Then we'll get a letter from him in a month. "Dear Abby, I had a few drinks and slept with my best friend's formerly straight boyfriend, but there are no sparks."

Nights out, day jobs: Darnell week continues

As luck would have it, my guest week with official My Important Drama revelry expert Darnell is a good week for drinking-related advice columns. From today's Baggage Check:

Every time I go out with my housemate, she ends up wasted. We're just friends, but it always becomes my job, as the guy, to take care of her. I'm tired of having to cut my night short or miss out on meeting people because they assume we're together. I don't want to come across as selfish, and I know I could just stop going out with her, but we're all in the same circle. — Involuntary Baby Sitter

Andrea's response:

It sounds like we have two layers of problems here: your friend's drinking, and the logistics of your friend's drinking. No doubt you're being affected by both, but if you truly value the friendship, you'll prioritize the deeper issue here, which is that she needs help.

Sure, emphasize those logistical issues — by explaining how much her drinking affects others and by cutting off the enabling. But with this circle of friends of yours, help her seek out treatment and/or an AA meeting. I can understand your frustration, but the longer you view this as a problem of circumstance rather than a serious mental health issue, the larger a disservice you do your friend — and the more you guarantee the problem will continue.

Darnell: Hah, she calls him out but good. I don't think is actually correct, but it is a good zing. I'm not surprised that advice columnists jump to alcoholism but this story does not paint a picture of alcoholism for me.

Lulu: I guess it depends on how often they go out? I mean, he could have written the same letter with the detail, "Every Arbor Day, when my friends meet up for our annual bar night, my friend gets wasted..." and the drinking problem issue would not have been raised. But they could just as easily be going out nightly.

Darnell: Even then, it is probably just a person who doesn't know her limit. Because if the story is that their entire circle of friends goes out to a bar every night - they are all alcoholics, and in no place to intervene. An intervention is not going to fly well if the problem is that when you all go out drinking together, the intervenee gets drunk. "Lulu, I'm worried that when we're drinking together you get shitfaced a half an hour before me."

Lulu: So let's leave aside who may or may not have a drinking problem; we don't have enough information to judge, and if they do have drinking problems, that doesn't seem like what they want solved. There's still the issue that people think they are together.

Darnell: Here's the thing as I see it. He doesn't need to stop hanging out with her, or even have a talk with her. He needs to stop shouldering the responsibility of babysitting her when she drinks. There is a breed of person who thinks this is a holy responsibility when it is not. The "my job, as the guy" is telling.

Lulu: Yeah--I noticed that, but I thought he was saying, "everyone thinks it's my job, as the guy..." But you're right, he's just saying, "it's my job, as the guy..."

Darnell: Men, am I right?

Lulu: Yeah, he needs to let go of the idea that it's his responsibility to protect her and be all chivalrous and whatnot.

Darnell: Let your roommate get wasted, lost, and gangbanged a little. Maybe then she'll cut that shit out.

Lulu: I feel like there's a middle ground, where, when you get a ride or head home, you get her, but other than that, she is on her own.

Darnell: That would work out just fine. The other side of that coin is that she might be the kind of person who hearts the attention, in which case, the more he white knights for her, the more she is going to behave that way.

Lulu: It seems like he's taking on the stand-in boyfriend role voluntarily. If he's worried that women will think he is unavailable, I feel like hitting on a few of them would clear things up.

Darnell: Uh-oh. I'm on the cusp of suggesting they should just start banging. Again.

Lulu: It does kind of seem that way, doesn't it? He's already halfway to acting like her boyfriend. But it seems like he is not that into her.

Darnell: I know, I'm suggesting he get into her. Zammo! Penisvagina.

Lulu: I can't tell if she is into him. She might like the damsel in distress thing because she thinks it is the way into his pants. Her: "Every time I get wasted we end up at home with him gently dabbing cold compresses to my fevered brow... one of these days, we're gonna end up making out!" Him: "WTF I do not need this cold compress bullshit AGAIN"

Darnell: Then he is not only encouraging bad behavior, he is leading her on when she is at her most vulnerable. The cad!

Lulu: I don't think it's actually a wonderful idea to make a move because they live together and that could be weird. But if he's not going to, he should stop acting like her boyfriend SOMETIMES.

Darnell: I would be willing to put money on him not talking up any other sexy ladies even when he stops babysitting.

Lulu: You mean he'd hit on girls if he really wanted to--he's talked himself into believing this is the reason he doesn't.

Darnell: Yeah. Then he would be without the excuse that they are all avoiding his big ugly face because they think she is his girlfriend. I may be getting mean towards this guy without reason... Which means, next letter?

Lulu: You're so ambitious. Ashley and I usually only do one!

Darnell: They're on the same page, I can't help myself!

I'm so bored in my job. No one cares about what they're doing, and I don't get any meaningful work. I know it's a tough time to be looking now, but I'm thinking of just quitting. The problem is that my parents won't continue to help me out if I do that (they pay some of my college loans and help with my car insurance). They're worried that I will take forever to get a new job. But I think that if I don't have a job, I'll be more motivated in my search. — Stuck

Darnell: Nope, the meaness isn't going to stop here. This guy is a moron.

Lulu: Andrea's on it, though. I think her advice is good:

I wouldn't be deemed responsible if I encouraged someone to quit a job without having another lined up, especially in this economy (which feels about as strong as my NBA prospects). And the fact that the people who serve as your safety net wouldn't be on board with this plan makes it even more dangerous.

So, why not boost your motivation without shooting yourself in the foot and making your parents angry? Create a reward system for sending out resumes, or set up a bet with one of your friends that puts you out a certain amount of money if you don't do a job search task by a certain date. Make small daily goals and go from there, but do it while still collecting a paycheck.

Darnell: Her advice treats him kind of like a child, but as he is behaving like a big stupid baby, I am okay with it.

Lulu: This also seems like a guy who is saying one thing but means another: "I will be more motivated to find a job if I am unemployed" = "I don't want to work. I want to bang on the drum all day."

Darnell: He may find that scouring job sites, sending out resumes and tailoring cover letters is at least equally boring. Shock!

Lulu: He wants this magic other job that's better and amazing, but if he quits this job before he gets another, he will be, if anything, motivated to take a worse one. Providing his parents stick to their guns and don't support him.

Darnell: And if they do, why would he have any motivation?

Lulu: Unless his parents make his life as unpleasant as possible while supporting him
which I would endorse, if they wrote to me!

Darnell: I would tell them to disown him.

Lulu: I initially thought Andrea said, "Why not boost your motivation by shooting yourself in the foot?"

Darnell: Just go kill yourself, it'll work out for the best.

Lulu: Not kill, maim. Then you'll appreciate what you had!

Darnell: Two feet.

Lulu: And a job. Okay, we may be being needlessly mean to this one now too.

Darnell: No, this one has it coming. He isn't alone either, there have been several stories lately about people being dissatisfied with their jobs even though they were unemployed beforehand.

Lulu: The most recent mimismartypants had a quote from Drew Carey: "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group that for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

Darnell: People are weirdly entitled. When people ask me if I like my job, my answer is invariably: yes, for a job.

Lulu: I do think the idea that you have to get fulfillment out of your job is odd. People are only willing to pay for things they want done, not necessarily things you want to do.

Darnell: And jobs that are fulfilling tend to also be pretty terrible. For example, if you helps kids with cancer you also work insane hours and watch kids die of cancer. Oh, and you get paid less than I do for not helping any people at all. So they are welcome to their spiritual fulfillment.

Lulu: This guy doesn't seem to care about fulfillment, he just wants interest. I say, why not get interest in other parts of your life? Some jobs are actively soul-sucking, but if your job is merely boring, you're fine.

Darnell: Right, that is the real point of work: you suffer through it so that you can better fund your actual interests outside of work.

Lulu: Of course, we obviously have nothing to complain about as I am sitting here doing exactly what I would do if I were home: chatting to my friends and not doing any work.

Darnell: I am "working from home."

Lulu: Nice.

Darnell: Maybe we should be more sympathetic towards this assclown.

Lulu: We are hypocrites, it's true, but that doesn't make him any less wrong!

Darnell: "I don't see why he has a problem with boring work - ah, excuse me, my money bath is ready."

Lulu: Great, I'm laughing out loud--now they know I'm not doing any work.

The Endless Springcycle

Yesterday, Darnell and I discussed a Dear Abby letter about designated drivers, but because there were two letters about drunkenness in the column, I decided to take advantage of his vast, vast experience (vast) and ask about the other.

Lulu: So, about the other letter.

Darnell: Yeah. This is very Jerry Springer.

Lulu: I feel like Dear Abby's response is a little terse. Technically, she only asks for validation, but I feel like she is secretly asking for a course of action.

Darnell: The problem being there isn't a great one that I know of. How to get over a fucked up situation in ten days?

Lulu: Well, she's asking about trust...

Darnell: Start banging Jill?

Lulu: ...

Darnell: ...

Lulu: Oh, wait. We are talking about different letters!

So it looks like we will be doing a hat trick of the letters in Saturday's Dear Abby.

Letter the third: drunken shenanigans cont'd

DEAR ABBY: I became fast friends with one of my husband's co-workers after meeting her at a happy hour. We had fun going out, usually to dance clubs.

One night when my husband tagged along, I overheard her tell him, "If you weren't married, I could be with you." When I confronted her about it the next night, she apologized, saying she had been feeling no pain and can't believe she said it. My husband chalks it up to her being stupid drunk, but I can't let it go.

Now when I see her at work functions, I am cordial and she acts like nothing ever happened. We could have been great friends if she hadn't said what she did, but each time I think I can bury the hatchet, I get angry and upset all over again.

Should I just get over it? Or am I justified in feeling I can't be friends with someone I can't trust?

- Distrustful in Illinois

DEAR DISTRUSTFUL: You're justified. And I'm saying it cold sober.

Darnell: Wow, that is a terse response from Abby.

Lulu: Right?

Darnell: "Feeling no pain" is a great "I'm hammered" phrase.

Lulu: I did not know it and it made that letter very confusing.

Darnell: Her husband sounds like me.

Lulu: You're always getting hit on by your wife's friends?

Darnell: Naturally. But the "she's a stupid drunk" response is a good one.

Lulu: "She's stupid drunk," I believe. No "a". It is less mean that way.

Darnell: Right, right. Being drunk and being a drunk are two entirely different things.

Lulu: Well, being stupid and being stupid drunk are different things. Ot would be great if the husband were just like, "She is a stupid drunk and I hate her." I think that would have helped actually. The wife would be less insecure.

Darnell: A lot of these letters have a theme of, "We could have been great friends/lovers/whatevs," if it weren't for their personality. Stop idealizing people you just met because they are initially fun!

Lulu: Yeah, and because you don't know them. You don't just assume everything you don't know is amazing!

Darnell: That second letter has the same problem.

Lulu: Oh, fine, we'll discuss your precious second letter.

Letter the second: Banging Jill

DEAR ABBY: "Tracey" is beautiful, caring and fun to spend time with. I fell hard for her and knew I could love her forever. When she broke up with me to "be on her own," I was very hurt.

My best friend, "Henry," says he started sleeping with Tracey right after our breakup. I was his best man when he married "Jill." Now Henry has left Jill for Tracey, and I am left with a sick stomach. How do I heal my wounds while supporting Jill, which keeps them painfully open?

- Heartsick in Ohio

DEAR HEARTSICK: One way would be to remind yourself that as "caring and fun" as Tracey was to be with, she had no reluctance about dating a married man. Another would be to level with Jill, explain that spending time with her is a painful reminder of the way you were dumped, and take a break from it until you have healed.

Darnell: In retrospect I bet the first line of: "Tracey is beautiful, caring and fun to spend time with" means "Tracey is hot."

Lulu: No question. Fun to spend time with means she was fun to have sex with. Caring means she has nice eyes. Actually, it's probably not a bad move if every time an LW lists a litany of good qualities, we read it as "hot... really hot... really very hot." Unless they say "sweet," and then we know it means "plain."

Darnell: People call me sweet!

Lulu: Oh no!

Darnell: That's a lie. Nobody calls me sweet, because I am a jackass.

Lulu: I do think girls use it often to mean "I like this person, but I am not that interested in actually dating them." This has become an enormous digression.

Darnell: I use it to describe candy.

Lulu: Well, that's exactly what I mean. I like candy... but I would not date candy.

Darnell: I would totally date candy. And then there would be a headline in the paper. MAN EATS GIRLFRIEND.

Lulu: GIRLFRIEND MELTS IN MOUTH, NOT IN HAND.

Darnell: I honestly think that "bang Jill" is the best course of action. It completes the Springcycle and then everyone can get over it!

Lulu: Wait, he says he is "supporting Jill." Doesn't that already mean he is banging Jill?

Darnell: I don't know, he sounds like kind of a pussy. He could actually be providing emotional support.

Lulu: In that case, he should totally make a move on Jill, and if she rebuffs him, then she will probably not want to spend time with him anymore,
and his problem is solved!

Darnell: We are idea people.

Lulu: Ha ha. Except that doesn't actually solve anything.

Darnell: Look, the situation is in a place that cannot be fixed, so just complete it and move on.

Lulu: I guess maybe they wouldn't feel so bad about getting left. Or they wouldn't feel like the other people scored points, because they got points too? You know... Sex points.

Darnell: Jill gets revenge on "Henry" for cheating. LW gets vengeance on "Henry" because he broke bro-code by sexing up "Tracey" when he knew the LW was into that.

Lulu: Yeah, it also seems like Henry was a little dumb about it - he told the LW he was sleeping with Tracey right after the break up! He should have been like, "Well, you know... these things happen... she was on her own for.. cough months..."

Darnell: He was already lying, he just didn't do it hard enough. Because they were having sex before the breakup. That is just scientific fact.

Lulu: Oh my god. You're right. So what, the only solution is for the LW to bang Jill better than Henry is banging Tracey, yeah?

Darnell: He does have to one-up on at least one level. If he can't pull off better, and I somehow doubt that he can, more often. In the butt. Just pick a goal that you can achieve. I guarantuee he can find soemthing that will make Jill say, "Henry never did ." Jill probably has plenty of ideas; the injured party is always eager to talk about inadequacies.

Lulu: There is only one problem with this advice that I can think of. What if Jill is ugly?

Darnell: We're all God's children in the dark, Lulu.

That's right, folks: it took one column left without the calming supervision of Ashley to advocate revenge-driven sexual one-upmanship. Hello and goodbye, everybody!

Designated driver drama, with special guest Darnell!

Darnell: Can I be Ashley this week?

Lulu: Oh thank god. I am so alone. Also, there were 2 letters about drunkenness in Dear Abby yesterday.

Darnell: Oh boy, that is my goddamn wheelhouse!

Lulu: Here's the letter and response:

DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago, I met a group of friends at a local pub. "Charlie" was the designated driver. As the evening progressed, I noticed Charlie was drinking beer. When I mentioned it, he said he'd had only three. Then he insisted he was fine and "it was only beer."
I tried to explain the danger of driving while "buzzed" and told him I'd walk home. Charlie then became insulted that I didn't trust him to know his limits. He said I should relax and quit being so uptight.

A few days later, some of my friends told me I had caused "unnecessary drama" that night and that my standards for the designated driver were "unrealistic." They also said that Charlie wasn't drunk and was totally capable of driving. But the fact remains, our designated driver wasn't sober, and I wasn't comfortable getting into a car with him.

I voiced my opinion; now I'm being punished for it. Did I judge Charlie too harshly?

- Values My Safety, Davis, Calif.

DEAR VALUES YOUR SAFETY: Not in my book, and not in the one published by the California Department of Motor Vehicles. In its California Drivers Handbook, under the section titled "Designated Driver Program," it lists the requirements for someone to be a designated driver. Among them: "Must abstain from consuming alcoholic beverages for the duration of the outing." That means not drinking anything with alcohol in it. Zilch!

You were right to speak up. In the future, if you decide to socialize with these folks, arrange to meet them. And if the location is not within walking distance, take a cab.

Darnell: "It's only beer" is the worst excuse ever.

Lulu: You can't get drunk off beer! It's like water. Or wine coolers.

Darnell: I think this theory needs scientific testing. I'll just hop in my time machine and perform those tests last night. ... Nope, beer works.

Lulu: I mean clearly the guy was incorrect, what I'm wondering is how much "drama" the letter writer actually created. Are her* friends objecting to her walking home because the designated driver was drinking, because that's lame, or are they objecting to her delivering a 20-minute monologue on the subject?

[Ed. note: We assume the LW is female for no real reason.]

Darnell: The problem with advice letters in general is that they rarely tell the part of the story that might make the LW look bad.

Lulu: Although, given what she reports her friends actually saying, it seems like they were defending the drunk guy and being incorrect about the role of a designated driver. They don't seem to have identified her delivery as the problem with the message.

Darnell: Yeah, this is one of those situations where I want to be against the LW but can't really justify it. It seems like, barring the possible diatribe, she behaved pretty well.

Lulu: So it sounds like she needs better friends.

Darnell: That is my default and always correct answer, but I try to take my time getting to it. This feels so close to being a non-issue that it is kind of baffling me. I am a guy who will have a few drinks and drive, and I believe that people can know their limit safely. But it is also okay to see somebody drinking and say that you don't want them to drive you. Your friends saying that expecting a designated driver to not drink at all is unrealistic, that is just goddamn stupid.

Lulu: Yeah, I'm trying to see why the friends got upset that she walked home, and I can't. Unless she tried to give them grief about it, how does it hurt them? Sure, walk. Why not?

Darnell: The bit about the Drivers Handbook I find fascinating as well. There is documentation around how you have to be a DD?

Lulu: Yeah, I thought it was just a term for the driver. Who is designated.

Darnell: The definition being the poor shmuck whose turn it is to have no fun.

Lulu: I don't see how it can be an official thing if it's all entirely informal. I mean, how can the designated driver be either tested or recognized by the state. You don't get a medal.

Darnell: Maybe in California you can get some kind of DD tokens to trade in for prizes.

Lulu: Free beer.

Darnell: I was thinking an arcade prize counter at the DMV: "I've been the DD twice so I can get the tiny squirt gun or the friendship bracelets!"

Lulu: This is a great idea.

Darnell: The awarding of tokens might be problematic, but that is for the pencil pushers to figure out. We're idea people.

Lulu: I love being an idea person. It is no work.

Darnell: It's a pretty great life.

Tune in next time (tomorrow?), when the chat about this same day of Dear Abby continues!