Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Roommate sex and gay teen bro code

Darnell: Back to being a commenter. Terrible.

Lulu: There is a drunk roommate drama in Dear Abby today, too.

Darnell: My wheelhouse! She is being un... used... for storing wheels?

Lulu: Our usual advice won't work, though. They already banged.
DEAR ABBY: I have gotten myself into a "pickle" and I don't know how to get out of it.

I rent a house with two roommates (both males) and have always followed a strict rule of not dating roommates or co-workers. One night, I came home after having a few drinks with friends. One of my roommates was up and we started talking. Then he started kissing me. I wasn't thinking clearly, and didn't object when he trotted me off to my room.

I do like him, but only as a friend. There are no sparks for me as there are for him. I don't want this to happen again, but I don't want to hurt him, either. In an ideal world, I'd like to remain friends and roommates, not lovers. Do you have any suggestions?

- Can't Believe I Broke My Rule

in Florida

DEAR CAN'T BELIEVE: Yes, I do. You need to quit drinking or institute another "rule" that you'll stop at two.

Inform your amorous roommate that in the cold sober light of day you regret what happened and don't want to repeat it. It won't "hurt" him; it will let him know where things stand, and it's important that he get that message. If you do remain roommates, maintain some distance - and don't come home "pickled" again because you know what could happen if you do.
Darnell: Dear Abby is telling girls who get drunk and sleep with guys that they might not when sober to stop drinking. I no longer like Dear Abby.

Lulu: Does the girl's description of what happened seem insanely passive to you, even for a "I was so wasted" story?

Darnell: Also "having a few drinks" is a specific phrase that does not mean getting wasted.

Lulu: Come on, the drinking already gives you plausible deniability. You can just say, "I was drunk and I banged him."

Darnell: It does make it sound weirdly rapey.

Lulu: Hm. Yeah, it's unclear what happened--if she is so embarrassed she's attributing everything to him, or if he was like, "Finally, her defenses are weakened! I shall press my advantage!" She still likes him "as a friend," so it kind of seems like the former? But who knows?

Darnell: Maybe her rule is stupid and she actually does like that guy, which is why she banged him. Alcohol isn't actually magical bangin juice. Especially if you already know the person. A stranger you might get a beer-goggled opinion of pretty easily, but your roommate and friend, eh.

Lulu: So you think she likes him, but is really embarrassed to like him for some reason?

Darnell: I want to know if he has begun courting her. Or if she is like, "Oh no no no he thinks we are dating now oh no!" and he is sitting in his room going, "I sure did like having sex, I wonder what's on TV?"

Lulu: She says there are sparks for him, so maybe he has begun brining her flowers and whatnot, and she is like, auuuuuuugh.

Darnell: She says there are sparks for him without providing any corroboration other than that he gave her the ole sausage... Oh, wait, maybe we are overthinking. What if the sex was bad? That would explain everything, right?

Lulu: Oh! I can't believe we didn't think of that sooner. That's what "no sparks" means!

Darnell: We are slow on the uptake today.

Lulu: So Abby's advice is actually fine except that I don't think her getting drunk again would tempt her to repeat the experiment.

Darnell: I don't have a problem with the other half of her advice. The "you made a mistake whilst drunk therefore stop drinking forever" part is dumb.

Lulu: The next letter, the high school drama, is super cute.
DEAR ABBY: I am a girl in high school and have a friend, "Joey," who is gay. Joey saw another guy, "Eric," who he thought was cute, and he made me go over and ask Eric's friend if Eric is gay. His friend told me he is straight.

Eric lives in my neighborhood and we became good friends. He has asked me out and I would say yes, except that Joey said he likes him. Joey has never spoken to Eric and only likes him in an "appreciating" sense. And of course, there's the fact that Eric isn't gay.

What should I do? Does the "girl code" apply to your gay friends, too?

- Conflicted in the South

DEAR CONFLICTED: With the "girl code," girls agree not to date men another girl has her sights set on - theoretically, because there is the possibility that he can be snagged if there's no interference. But in a case like this, where a gay person "appreciates" someone who is straight, the chance is remote to nonexistent. Out of consideration for Joey's feelings, talk with him about this. I'm sure he will appreciate your concern for his feelings - and give you his OK.
Lulu: And actually I agree with Dear Abby's advice to the high school girl too. She is on a roll today! The LW does needs to talk to Joey before she agree to go out with Eric, because I feel like he would be hurt if he found out about it after the fact.

Darnell: I agree with her too, with the addendum that even if the gay friend does not approve, you can still do it. Girl/guy code does not allow you to call dibs indefinitely. Especially if you fail to make a move!

Lulu: Yeah. I actually think it's in Joey's best interest for the girl to date Eric.

Darnell: That is how he will find out that he has been secretly gay this whole time?

Lulu: Well, just in case! In any case, it gives Joey an excuse to hang out with Eric, not that I think he should try to steal him away, but if he does ever develop an interest in a guy, it's more likely to be somebody that he's already friends with. Alternately, getting to know him better might make Joey realize he doesn't like Eric that much after all.

Darnell: Then we'll get a letter from him in a month. "Dear Abby, I had a few drinks and slept with my best friend's formerly straight boyfriend, but there are no sparks."

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