The White Flag

One of the recurring themes in this blog and in my lifetime of reading advice columns has been the urging of teens not to have sex. I'm not sure at what point it becomes "go for it"--18? Freshman in college? Dr. Wallace of Tween Twelve and Twenty (who often gives fairly good dating and parent-handling advice) perennially posts a column that goes something like this:

LW1: I had/am having/plan to have teen sex and the sky has not fallen. What's the big deal?

DR. WALLACE: A lot of girls disagree with you! Read on...

LWS 2-8: I had teen sex and from that moment on, my boyfriend stopped wanting to go out to drive-in or the soda shoppe, he just wanted to stay in and have more sex! Later, he dumped me! Girls, do NOT have sex! Obviously that is the moral and not that I was dating a jerk or that teen relationships end.

I've gotten used to ignoring this because it will never go away, but October 2's Ask Amy couldn't be ignored for sheer (1) needless badgering (Amy lists several panic-emergency procedures to mitigate the inevitable STD/baby damage of the teen sex even though the LW stated that both participants were virgins and used protection) and (2) acceptance of an entirely foolhardy premise.

DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a little over a year. We are both teenagers and above the age of consent in our state (I am 16). We are in love. We had a couple of serious conversations about sex, and we decided to go ahead.

It was the first time for both of us and was special. We were safe and responsible, and neither of us has any regrets. However, my parents do not know that we are sexually active, and they do not seem to trust me to be safe and responsible about my decisions.

I worry that if they found out the degree to which we are intimate, they would force us to break up. I would like to be able to talk to them about this, but I have no idea how to broach the subject. Please tell me how I can talk to them.
Anonymous

Amy's response:

DEAR ANONYMOUS: You should go to your physician or to Planned Parenthood for a checkup and STD and birth control counseling. If you and your guy are unable to face this task together, then you should not be in a sexual relationship. Check plannedparenthood.org or call 800-230-PLAN (7526) for a local clinic.

The reason your parents might not trust you is because they were your age once and they know how momentous this choice is -- and how physically and emotionally vulnerable you both are. Your parents have the utmost stake in your emotional and physical health.

Your desire to talk to your folks about this tells me that you have a good relationship and simply want to be honest with them. Share this first with the parent you are closer to, but remember this: Your honesty will also inspire their honest reaction.

They may be upset. But if they are thoughtful, they will appreciate the opportunity to talk it through with you. (Your boyfriend should also talk to his parents.) The Planned Parenthood website also has resources for parents.

Lulu: Wrong! Correct answer: DON'T. Why, why, why, why, why, why would you tell them? Do you want them to tell you about their sex life?? If you cannot speak to your parents without omitting the personal, none-of-their-business details of your life, then you shouldn't be in a sexual relationship. Check http://www.wikihow.com/Lie for advice on how to lie.

Ashley: I have actually decided to wave the white flag of stupidity. If you WANT to talk to your parents about sex, then you can accept the consequences.

Lulu: It's like asking, How can I safely lop my own head off?

Ashley: If you are asking you are already beyond saving.

Sex, oversharing, and videotape

Ashley: Prudence's chat has a question about a 16 year old making sex tapes.
Lulu: I saw that.

Q. Sister's Underage Sex Tapes: My little sister Rebecca recently confessed to me that she and her boyfriend Tyler have been filming themselves having sex. She says it excites her, because she's always felt pressure to be a good girl. Our parents aren't rigidly conservative by any means, but I know they'd object to Rebecca making sex tapes, not least of all because she's 16 and Tyler is 19. I'm not sure what to do, because I am worried my parents will lose their heads if I tell them. But, as I pointed out, Rebecca is underage, and it won't end well for Tyler if the authorities are alerted. As an older sister, what's my duty?

A: I hope most teenagers don't think that the alternative to being a good girl is being Paris Hilton. Your sister confessed to you for a reason, and it's good that you were apparently so flummoxed by what she said that you didn't offer much of a reaction one way or another. I think 16-year-olds should hang onto their virginity. I'm sure there's a study somewhere saying that keeping horniness in check correlates with higher trigonometry scores. But now that you know your sister is sexually active, the first thing you should do is to make sure she is using birth control and that's she's seen a gynecologist. Tell Rebecca you'd like to enlist your mother in this, and that you will not mention anything about her cinematic ventures. As for the tapes, I feel kind of sorry for today's youth, whose formal sex education consists of lectures on lethal illness and the potential for being prosecuted. But I agree that underage sex tapes are a bad idea, both legally and morally. Tell your sister you're really glad she came to you, you've been thinking about she told you, and it sounds as if she feels she's gotten in over her head. Explain it's not too late for her to change her mind about her extracurriculars. No, she can't get her virginity back, but she can decide that concentrating on getting through high school, instead of exploring her sexuality, is a better focus. Be calm and nonjudgmental. Then when the conversation progresses, you can suggest she get all copies of the tapes and destroy them.

Lulu: Prudence's advice to tell her to stop having sex at all seems... ineffective. Like a good way to get tuned out altogether.

Ashley: She clarifies later and focuses more on the sex tapes.

Q. Sex Tapes: Remind your little sister that it's incredibly easy for those tapes to wind up on the Internet, and all it would take is a few minutes for the boyfriend to post them on porn sites. If she doesn't think he'd do that, think again, because clearly plenty of boyfriends and ex-boyfriends have done it. They might consider looking online to make sure he hasn't already.

A: So true. That's why it's important for the girl to get possession of the tapes. But it would be best not to terrify the younger sister, just to explain this could happen given the technology.

Q. Re: Sister's Tape: I doubt the little sister's escapades are on actual tapes—it's probably digitally recorded on a cellphone or computer. The little sister needs to make sure her boyfriend deletes these videos. Even if he is a good guy who won't disseminate the videos online, his gear could be hacked or stolen!

A: Right, good point. She needs to make sure all existing evidence in all media is deleted. If the boyfriend won't cooperate, then a parental discussion about the consequences of disseminating sexual images of a minor might be highly instructive.

Lulu: Yeah, but by that time, I'm not listening. I'm sixteen, and I'm bragging about my sex tapes: what do you say??

Ashley: I don't think I care?

Lulu: Ha.

Ashley: I think what I'd actually say is to make sure her face isn't identifiable.

Lulu: That's good advice; while I'm sure it's a small percentage, you do hear stories about people getting in legal trouble when the subjects are under 18, even if they themselves took the video.

Ashley: Right. That's what I'm concerned with. She needs plausible deniability.

Lulu: Right, and that would solve the problem they bring up of what if someone posts the videos online, be it the boyfriend or the computer thief scenario.

Ashley: Right. The bf should be on board with this, because it gives him plausible deniability too.

Lulu: Right, he could get in more trouble.

Ashley: Although before the sister gets too self-righteous, she should check laws in her state. The three year age gap could be fine. It is in MA, for instance. Not sure about the stance on videotapes, but the actual sex is fine.

Lulu: Either way, some reasonable precautions with camera angles should make the videos much safer without diminishing the thrill of recording your awesome sex technique.

Ashley: Right! Or edit it in post.

Lulu: Or wear a mask. Like in Pulp Fiction. Or V for Vendetta. I haven't seen either of those films, but I assume the masks were for sex tape purposes.

Liveblogging the Carolyn Hax Chat

Lulu: Carolyn Hax chat is NOW NOW NOW

Ashley: Okay, so the first question...

My daughter is a few weeks shy of 16. She is a good student, a good athlete, and very popular at school. She has a boyfriend who is (I believe) about a year older than she is. We assume they have sex, because she came to me six months ago and asked for advice about birth control. I'm okay with this, and in fact feel rather lucky that she was responsible about it. But everyone else seems to think I am a negligent or somehow terrible parent for knowingly allowing a teenager to be sexually active. I'm at the end of my rope with the judgments. What do you think?

Carolyn responds,

I'm with you on a few things: I would rather my kids be open with me, even if it meant I had to learn about and then condone their sexual activity at 16; if I got the news about the sexual activity the way you did--by being asked about birth control, by a 16-year-old--I would not stand in the way, and if fact would try to help the birth-control process along; and I think people are out of line in judging you.

The one thing that really stopped me was your parenthetical. Maybe it's misleading, but it makes it sound as if you don't really know/know much about the boyfriend. If I'm wrong about that, great, but if you aren't well acquainted with him, then I think it's your job to get to know him.

Ashley: "A few weeks shy of 16th birthday" is 15. And six months ago is definitely 15. And while 16 is fine in most states, 15 may in fact we illegal. If that's the case, the parents should at least not advertise that they know about it. They can get charged with neglect, and possibly endangerment.

Lulu: Oh, good catch. I wonder if that would change Carolyn's answer.

Ashley: I don't care about 15 vs 16, and I would totally do the same thing (minus the gossiping). They just might want to stop talking about it enough for everyone to judge them.

Lulu: Yeah, I wonder how all these people are finding out about it. Maybe the daughter talks about it?

Anna: It sounds like the LW is getting judged, not the daughter. The LW is a terrible parent, not the daughter is a slut or anything.

Lulu: Right, but if the daughter tells her friends, and her friends tell their parents, the parents might judge the parents. Like, the daughter's friends don't judge, they think it's awesome. They're like, "Well, MARLENE's parents let her have sex. They are TOTALLY COOL WITH IT."

Ashley: I see. Right. Ooh, there's a followup comment in the chat from another reader.

Why are you violating your daughter's privacy by discussing this deeply personal topic with anyone other than 1. her and 2. her other parent?

Carolyn responds,

Oh duh, I totally missed that. Thanks.

Lulu: Yup. We just covered that!

Ashley: I was just showing off that I caught it.

Lulu: So what's our advice? We're thinking denying and feigning ignorance would have been good strategies when it originally came up, but what can the LW do now?

Ashley: Change the subject, I guess. What do people do when others bring up topics they don't want to discuss?

Lulu: Yeah, I guess "I'm not going to discuss my daughter's personal life" works anytime.

Ashley: It is weird to say that if you gleefully discussed it before. Maybe,
"well, let's agree to disagree" and then shut up about it.

Lulu: Should we post this RIGHT NOW? SUPER TIMELY!

Ashley: DO IT