Sex, oversharing, and videotape

Ashley: Prudence's chat has a question about a 16 year old making sex tapes.
Lulu: I saw that.

Q. Sister's Underage Sex Tapes: My little sister Rebecca recently confessed to me that she and her boyfriend Tyler have been filming themselves having sex. She says it excites her, because she's always felt pressure to be a good girl. Our parents aren't rigidly conservative by any means, but I know they'd object to Rebecca making sex tapes, not least of all because she's 16 and Tyler is 19. I'm not sure what to do, because I am worried my parents will lose their heads if I tell them. But, as I pointed out, Rebecca is underage, and it won't end well for Tyler if the authorities are alerted. As an older sister, what's my duty?

A: I hope most teenagers don't think that the alternative to being a good girl is being Paris Hilton. Your sister confessed to you for a reason, and it's good that you were apparently so flummoxed by what she said that you didn't offer much of a reaction one way or another. I think 16-year-olds should hang onto their virginity. I'm sure there's a study somewhere saying that keeping horniness in check correlates with higher trigonometry scores. But now that you know your sister is sexually active, the first thing you should do is to make sure she is using birth control and that's she's seen a gynecologist. Tell Rebecca you'd like to enlist your mother in this, and that you will not mention anything about her cinematic ventures. As for the tapes, I feel kind of sorry for today's youth, whose formal sex education consists of lectures on lethal illness and the potential for being prosecuted. But I agree that underage sex tapes are a bad idea, both legally and morally. Tell your sister you're really glad she came to you, you've been thinking about she told you, and it sounds as if she feels she's gotten in over her head. Explain it's not too late for her to change her mind about her extracurriculars. No, she can't get her virginity back, but she can decide that concentrating on getting through high school, instead of exploring her sexuality, is a better focus. Be calm and nonjudgmental. Then when the conversation progresses, you can suggest she get all copies of the tapes and destroy them.

Lulu: Prudence's advice to tell her to stop having sex at all seems... ineffective. Like a good way to get tuned out altogether.

Ashley: She clarifies later and focuses more on the sex tapes.

Q. Sex Tapes: Remind your little sister that it's incredibly easy for those tapes to wind up on the Internet, and all it would take is a few minutes for the boyfriend to post them on porn sites. If she doesn't think he'd do that, think again, because clearly plenty of boyfriends and ex-boyfriends have done it. They might consider looking online to make sure he hasn't already.

A: So true. That's why it's important for the girl to get possession of the tapes. But it would be best not to terrify the younger sister, just to explain this could happen given the technology.

Q. Re: Sister's Tape: I doubt the little sister's escapades are on actual tapes—it's probably digitally recorded on a cellphone or computer. The little sister needs to make sure her boyfriend deletes these videos. Even if he is a good guy who won't disseminate the videos online, his gear could be hacked or stolen!

A: Right, good point. She needs to make sure all existing evidence in all media is deleted. If the boyfriend won't cooperate, then a parental discussion about the consequences of disseminating sexual images of a minor might be highly instructive.

Lulu: Yeah, but by that time, I'm not listening. I'm sixteen, and I'm bragging about my sex tapes: what do you say??

Ashley: I don't think I care?

Lulu: Ha.

Ashley: I think what I'd actually say is to make sure her face isn't identifiable.

Lulu: That's good advice; while I'm sure it's a small percentage, you do hear stories about people getting in legal trouble when the subjects are under 18, even if they themselves took the video.

Ashley: Right. That's what I'm concerned with. She needs plausible deniability.

Lulu: Right, and that would solve the problem they bring up of what if someone posts the videos online, be it the boyfriend or the computer thief scenario.

Ashley: Right. The bf should be on board with this, because it gives him plausible deniability too.

Lulu: Right, he could get in more trouble.

Ashley: Although before the sister gets too self-righteous, she should check laws in her state. The three year age gap could be fine. It is in MA, for instance. Not sure about the stance on videotapes, but the actual sex is fine.

Lulu: Either way, some reasonable precautions with camera angles should make the videos much safer without diminishing the thrill of recording your awesome sex technique.

Ashley: Right! Or edit it in post.

Lulu: Or wear a mask. Like in Pulp Fiction. Or V for Vendetta. I haven't seen either of those films, but I assume the masks were for sex tape purposes.

I don't want anybody else

Ashley: Dude. Prudie's chat re: masturbating college roommates.

Lulu: What.

Ashley: Read it.

Q. Lights Out Happy Time: I am a freshman at college. My roommate is pretty great—except for one thing. I'm pretty sure she "takes care of herself" after we turn out the lights and she thinks I'm asleep. The motions and noises she makes are consistent with this theory. I have no problem with her doing that, but it makes me uncomfortable that she does it while I'm in the room. I'm also absolutely mortified about possibly discussing this with her. They did not cover this in freshman orientation, so I'm counting on you for some insight.

A: I'm going to suggest this is covered under the same rubric as bathroom noises—you pretend you don't hear them. Once the lights are out and all is quiet, you are in a zone of assuming each of you is drifting off to sleep, and if under the covers she indulges in some quiet stress relief to help bring on pleasant dreams, I think you should ignore it. Instead of lying there anxiously listening for the sounds of self-gratification, just tell yourself your roommate tends to toss and turn before the delta waves hit. Unless to accomplish her task your roommate brings out a screaming, high-decibel vibrator, talking about this with her, or a resident adviser, is going to just be mortifying for you. Look, the school year is almost over, your roommate decided she couldn't get through freshman year going hands-off, and there's not really any other time or place for her to indulge herself. Just think of this as one of those "out of classroom" learning experiences admissions officers are always touting.

Ashley: How... how is this a problem? Why don't people do this in the shower?? Why would you choose a room that has other people in it??

Lulu: If it's a big school with small dorms, all the rooms could have other people in them. They could be communal showers too. Shower stalls, like at the gym. I've seen dorms like that.

Ashley: True. But at least the sound of the water will cover it up.

Lulu: yYah, it's a little more private, at least in the way cubicles are private--you know, the illusory way. The LW could also establish regular patterns of not being in the room at certain times. That might help.

Ashley: You'd think they would have non-overlapping classes. Unless the LW doesn't attend classes.

Lulu: They might just both be out of the dorm during the day then at home at night? Or the LW doesn't have predictable routine, so the roomie always thinks she might walk in at any time anyway.

Ashley: Yeah, I guess she can develop a new activity and mention it. "I've picked up a study group that meets EVERY DAY from 9pm to 10pm!" More library time can't hurt.

Lulu: Or develop a wildly different sleep schedule. So be studying in the common area while the roommate is going to bed, and come in when she's asleep. Surely her dorm has a lounge or something.

Ashley: Yeah. Start watching TV at a set time. Or go to bed really early, and be asleep by then.

Lulu: I think we knocked that one out of the park. We know our stuff when it comes to hiding masturbation routines, APPARENTLY.

We have no advice (we have advice)

Ashley: In Prudence, there's a teenager who found her dad's porn.

Lulu: That problem always comes up, and I never have any advice. Uh, ignore it? Everyone watches porn.

Ashley: Or reads it.

Lulu: Everyone consumes porn. Nomnomnom.

Ashley: There's a bit of a twist in the column, though.

Q. While looking for a movie to put on my iPod on the family computer, I saw a really disturbing title. "Wild. Teen (S-E-X)" What should I do? I have a feeling this movie might be illegal, and I am kind of scared to be around my dad right now. I don't want any divorce/court/prison-type things to happen, so I am clueless. I have two 5- and 7-year-old brothers, and I haven't told anyone. HELP!

A: As disturbing as your discovery is, I doubt there is anything for you to be scared about. Yes, the idea is creepy, but men viewing porn is very, very common. Your father would probably be more mortified than you are scared when he discovers you came upon his porn-viewing. Take him over to the computer and show him what you saw and say, "Dad, I found this when I was searching for a movie, and obviously it upset me." Let's hope he's grown up enough to apologize and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Lulu: Okay, so I guess this kid assumes it is child porn? Because it says teen sex? But teen could mean 18 or 19 or 27 pretending to be 18.

Ashley: Usually the latter, yeah.

Lulu: Or even 27 pretending to be 16, and it would all be fine and legal. Given that probably 90% of porn videos claim the female lead(s) are celebrating their 18th birthday, the fact that it has teen in the title is meaningless. It might not even necessarily be what the dad is into but just what is available. The fact that i have hint of lime taco chips doesn't mean I love lime, it just means I love taco chips and that's what was at the store. I DO love lime, but that is irrelevant.

Ashley: I also love lime! And 18-year-old girls.

Lulu: I would not do what Prudence said.

Ashley: Correct. Why seek out an uncomfortable discussion?

Lulu: There are two passive aggressive methods that i can think of if what she wants is to get the dad (or mom!!!!!!!!) to stop leaving porn videos in the open:

1. delete any you find

2. save your own to the same folder

Ashley: Find a gay video, save it with the same filename. See what happens.

Lulu: I bet he won't notice, because I bet he didn't intend to leave a copy in the My Downloads folder or whatever. So she can probably safely delete it, protect her young brothers' virgin eyes, and do her dad a favor in the process.

Huh. I guess we did have advice for this LW after all.

Now, we really don't any advice for the LW in today's Love Letters. We just find the letter spectacular.

A few months back, I began to realize that I was falling in love with a woman I have known for some time but never got to know well. Being a hopeless romantic, I penned a letter to her stating that I had come to cherish our time/conversation and that I didn't know where our relationship was headed, but that I was so blessed to have her in my life.

She did not respond directly to the letter, though at other points she had told me that I was "endearing in every way" and made me blush (inside and out, I imagine) with other generous (albeit exaggerated) compliments.

Over the following months, we texted every night before we go to bed, hung out after work, talked intimately about life, and generally appeared to be engaged in the process of falling in love as I have come to know it -- the breaking down of barriers and the full sharing of oneself with another.

Yesterday, after playing board games at a local cafe for a few hours after work, she invited me to her apartment. I accepted, not thinking/expecting that anything physical would occur, but with heart aflutter that this was yet another sign of a desire for romance.

After looking at photos/artwork on her bed, I told her, in no uncertain terms, that I had fallen hard for her. She seemed excited to hear this first-hand, but also cautious, because, as it turns out, she is in an open relationship.

Such relationships are not for me (though I certainly do not begrudge others for engaging in them), but I now find myself between a rock and a hard place with two emotions/thoughts: (1) A wish that she had told me about her status earlier so that I could try to emotionally reorient myself (though I admit that I probably could not have stopped falling for her), and, connected with #1, (2) A concern that our relationship, somewhat paradoxically, cannot continue because we are so close, but cannot take the next step.

Should she have said something earlier? Exclusivity isn't important to her but was it reasonable to assume it wouldn't be for me? Do I try to slowly move away from the intimate communications we've been having, so as to create distance while not being reactive?

Ashley: He's right. She should have told him. But he's such a tool that I don't care.

Lulu: Right?? I mean, I don't agree with Meredith's response, because she comes down hard against open relationships in general. I don't think that you're not allowed to have an open relationship. I do think it's shady not to mention your relationship with someone you're having these intimate Life Conversations with, and who has made it clear he's interested in you, no matter what kind of relationship it is. If she wanted him to be a secondary partner, or whatever, she should have made that clear so he could make an informed decision. But it sounds like she's not particularly into him at all, really.

So I do sympathize with him. It sucks to find out the person you have a crush on is unavailable in the way that you wanted. Realizing you can't be around someone you like because you wanted them as a girlfriend and not a friend is not paradoxical, it is normal, and it sucks.

But I still think that he is a real knob.

Playing Catch-up (III)

We've been talking about advice, a little, sort of! We just haven't been posting. Here are the last two weeks in Lulu and Ashleyville.

Jan 11 A Dear Prudence question leads us to wonder if there is a "mature" way for a teenager to conduct a sex life while living at home with anti-premarital-sex parents.

Q. Pre-Marital Sex and Parents: My boyfriend and I are in a loving relationship and we have been dating for eight months already. He has been wanting to have sex, but since my parents are very against pre-marital sex, I have been really hesitant. Personally I want to, and am telling him that once I get a chance, to we can do it. I feel nothing wrong with having sex before marriage at all, but I feel morally conflicted by having to lie to my parents. What should I do?

A: Now that's some shocking news: Your boyfriend would really, really like to have sex. Are you 16 or 26? It makes a difference. I'm against premarital sex by high-school students. I'm not against pre-marital sex by responsible college-age people. (In fact, I can't imagine marrying someone one hasn't had sex with.) However, if you are making this decision based on how your parents would react, that tells me you aren't really old enough to start engaging in sex. Instead of lying to your parents, I think you should tell your boyfriend, "I really like you, but since I can't stand the thought of sneaking around on my parents to have sex with you, that tells me I'm not ready to have sex with you." If he breaks up with you or pressures you, that only should underline the wisdom of your parents' prohibition (for now).

Lulu: I don't think she is 'not old enough' because she doesn't want to create an elaborate web of lies for the people she presumably lives with. When you are 16, owning your choice to have sex and being upfront about it with your parents is not really an option.

Ashley: Well, it's that or web of lies. If she's unwilling to do either, then she's the one who doesn't want sex, and she should own that decision.

Lulu: It's not that she's "not ready" or "not mature enough" but that she doesn't want it enough for the downsides. That's not immaturity, it's logic.

Ashley: Well, I think caring what your parents think is a little immature. It depends if it's a convenience thing - she lives with them and doesn't want the drama - or if she doesn't want to disappoint. If she doesn't want to disappoint, she's immature.

Lulu: Is that a sign of immaturity? Wanting to disappoint your parents is pretty immature.

Ashley: Putting too much stock in what your parents think is immature, either way, especially if you haven't actually thought about the topic yourself and/or come to your own opinions. It's like... going to school to be a doctor because your parents want you to be a doctor. If you want to be a doctor, that's great, but if you never thought about it, that's immature.

Lulu: So in this case, do you think she should keep a low profile and sneak around, or challenge her parents on the whole premarital sex idea?

Ashley: If she lives with them, I'd say sneak around. If she doesn't, she doesn't have to do either. You just don't mention it. Who talks about their sex life with their parents anyway?

Lulu: I mean in general, just to say that you don't think it's wrong.

Ashley: Sure, if she wants to, and doesn't mind the fight. I don't think it's required.

Lulu: Hee hee, here's the same/opposite problem in Tween 12 and 20.

Q. I'm 18 and already graduated from high school. This guy I'm seeing is 20, and we have been dating for over six months. Everybody thinks Ian is the perfect guy for me. He doesn't drink, do drugs or smoke. And most of all, he isn't sexually aggressive.

He has a good job and is well-liked by his boss. I went to a company party with him. His boss told me what a good worker Brad is and how lucky I am to have him as a boyfriend.

My parents and my older sister feel that he is the perfect guy for me. Ian is everybody's dream. He sends me flowers on special occasions and writes poetry when he is in the mood, which is often. All my female friends think he is one handsome dude and feel I'm very fortunate to have him.

But as you have already figured out, I don't love the guy. To tell the truth, I want the freedom to date other guys, but I find it difficult to tell him this because I know I would hurt him severely. I also would hurt my family.

A. Love isn't decided by committee. This is between you and Ian — your friends, your family and his boss have no say in the matter. And as you are well aware, the time has come to tell Ian you want to end the relationship.

Ashley: Wait. He's Ian AND Brad?

Jan 16 Along the same lines, a prospective college freshman places too much emphasis on her parents' opinion in Annie's Mailbox. But this time, we're against the decision on its own merits. Then we veer off sharply.

Dear Annie: I am a senior in high school. My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time, and we love each other very much. We are attending colleges that are about 30 minutes apart. We want to get an apartment between the campuses so we can live together. This would be much cheaper than paying for room and board.

I'd like to talk to my parents about this, Annie, but they are so protective that I'm afraid they won't allow it.

Dear Senior: We're going to ask you not to do this. We know you love your boyfriend. But the first year of college can bring tremendous changes to both of you. By living with your boyfriend, you are cutting off opportunities that may expand your horizons and develop your character. Please consider doing the room-and-board bit for your first year. If you still want to live together after that, you will be in a better position to talk to your parents about it, and they are less likely to object.

Ashley: I don't think her parents are what she should be concerned with. She needs to consider her boyfriend as a roommate - is he going to be hell to live with if they break up?

Lulu: I think that's what Annie is getting at, but there is no better way to alienate an 18-year-old than to tell her her character is not fully formed.

Ashley: Of course, if her parents are paying her rent, then they have a right to dictate who lives in their apartment. Did you know there's a webapp to convert your SAT/GRE scores to IQ? Since they're all standardized, it makes sense.

Lulu: Yeah--no, so wait, you have a higher IQ than me???

Jan 21 A typical Lulu rant spurred by an uncharacteristically black-and-white answer on premarital cohabitation in Tween 12 and 20. Again, we suddenly veer.

DR. WALLACE: My girlfriend and I have been living together since we graduated from high school two years ago. I love her very much and want to get married. She says she loves me, too, but she wants to wait another couple of years before making that decision. My parents are very unhappy about our setup.
Since she wants to wait, my question is, should we continue to live together (we are sexually intimate) until we say "I do," or should we separate until we make it legal? — Nameless, Hobart, Ind.

NAMELESS: It appears to me that your girlfriend wants the security of "married life" without the responsibilities. Separate now. It would be much better this way than to wait two years to find out that she still doesn't want to marry you.

Besides, if you separate, it could make her realize she can't live without you. And she just might decide to make things legal.

Lulu: I guess thousands of committed cohabiting couples want "the security of 'married life' without the responsibilities." Exactly what responsibilities do you have once you're married that you don't have when you're living together?

Ashley: Maybe like... financial? But not all married couples merge finances.

Lulu: I find this attitude so weird, it's not like being married magically changes anything. Statistically, sure, a random married person is probably more likely to have joint finances or whatever than a random single person, but you can do married stuff while not married and you can not do married stuff when you are married.

Ashley: Does your hair still look good on day 2?

Lulu: Pretty good! It started out MORE spiky because my spike wax is more spiky than the pomade they use at the hair place, but then I put a hat on.

Jan 23 In Ask Amy, a young intern complains about old people today.

Q. I am an 18-year-old intern working for a large office. I am the only student in the office, and everyone else who works here is old enough to be my parent or even grandparent.

I consider myself very good with adults. However, I am not sure how to respond in some situations. When they complain about their teenagers and kids, and then expect me to represent the entire under-25 demographic. For example, they say, "I can't understand how teenagers are so rude, they are always texting," or they ask me, "Why do you guys constantly disrespect us with your texting?" Meanwhile, they have never seen me with my phone out.

I would really appreciate a polite, diplomatic answer to respond when I am caught in the middle of one of these conversations.

A. I agree with you that this is tiresome. The next time this happens, go "Jeopardy!" and answer their questions in the form of a question. For example:

They: "Why are you kids so all-fired rude, always messing around with your textometer machines?"

You: "Gosh- I don't know! I don't text very much, certainly when I'm with other people. Are you saying your kids do this? What do you think is going on?"

Ashley: Ha ha, yes. Amy's right, though.

Lulu: Yeah, but then you end up having to have a boring conversation about texting. "Yeah. Uh-huh. I guess when you grow up with a technology, it doesn't seem strange to you." "Yeah, I find it rude when people text other people while talking to me, too." "It's good for some situations."

Ashley: Or you could answer with the ever-popular "I dunno, why do all old people smell funny?"

Lulu: Well, you'd have to text them that. "Hold on." (pulls out phone)

And now it's today! Maybe now we can escape the vicious circle where we don't post because there is too much catching-up to do. Nothing can be done, however, about the problem where we don't post because we are lazy.

Three Letter Thursday!

Darnell told me this week feels slackish on MID, even though there was a twenty minute podcast, so yesterday, we discussed three (3) columns!

Afterschool Special Slumber Party

In yesterday's Hey Cherie, a girl described a slumber party I don't even believe because it seems too YA novel perfect: each girl was dealing with a different Issue Teens Face Today!

Hey, Cherie!

This is different from the usual letters that you probably get. I was having a slumber party with a bunch of my girlfriends. We are all in 10th or 11th grade. We were all downstairs in the basement, and my parents' room is upstairs on the second floor. The door to the basement was closed, so there was no way that anyone could listen to what we were saying.

Darnell: Well, it starts off sexy.

We made up a game called "What My Mother Doesn't Know." ... We just went around the group and each of us had to confess things that our mothers didn't know.

Here are some of the things that we all heard. One girl had been to Planned Parenthood to end a pregnancy and didn't tell her mother. Another had done ecstasy more than once. Another had cheated on a big math test in order to keep her grade up to an A. Another binged and barfed at least once a week. Someone talked about a Facebook boyfriend she had in another state. I heard a girl say that while her mom was on vacation, she took her mom's car and drove it 50 miles. Someone drove their own car 100 miles an hour. Someone else was a secret smoker (none of us knew that!).

I think you get the idea. Here is my question: How much do you think a teen girl should tell her mother about her life? Is it OK to keep the bad stuff secret? Is it OK to have any secrets? And how do you decide what to tell your mother, especially if you will end up being punished for what you reveal?

Cherie Bennett, the writer of this column, is herself a YA novelist, so she of course enjoyed this scenario.

This is one of the best letters I've received in the more than 14 years of writing this column. Fourteen years, 52 columns a year and two questions per column. You do the math! But I digress.

Different people, different cultures, different families and different sets of ethics mean that different people — and I count teens as people! — have different feelings about openness and honesty with parents. All I can share with you is my sense of it, which may be different from your sense or your mom's sense.

When it comes to me, I want to know. I would want to know all those things. If I don't know, how can I guide you through the minefield of growing up in the 21st century? Knowing is so important to me that I would consider a no-punishment rule if that's what it took to get my teen to talk to me. That is, I'd rather know and not impose a punishment than not know, hear about it later, and then punish. I understand many could feel legitimately different.

No matter what? Share as much as you can. I think you'll find most parents remember that they were teens, too. Parents had their secrets and they're pretty darn good listeners. Most of all, we care.

Darnell: Wow, she counts teens as PEOPLE. This is the most open-minded advice columnist ever.

Lulu: Right?

Darnell: This advice is terrible and vague at the same time.

Lulu: Yeah, it's not really advice. The question is "How much do I have to tell my mother?" and she answers as a mother, how much she would want to know; but I kind of feel like what she wants as a mother is not necessarily good advice for the kids. Parental instinct is to protect your kids but at 16 and 17 they need to start working stuff out for themselves.

Darnell: There is a bulemic in that group. Isn't that one of those things that after school specials teach us to tell people about, due to potential serious health issues?

Lulu: Yeah, in that case, if it's something where the girl needs a health professional, then she has to tell her parents so they can make an appointment for her. Sexual health is a possible exception since you can go anonymously through Planned Parenthood, like the girl who got the abortion. It sounds like she handled things well.

Darnell: I'm going to go secret by secret!

Planned Parenthood - I don't see the need to tell anyone about this. Aborting babies shows adult responsibility!

Ecstasy - Definitely no, parents are not understanding cuddlebears when it comes to drug use.

Cheated on a test - Good for her!

Binged and barfed - Yes? This seems like the one thing on the list that is dangerous, a regular habit, and something parents might actually deal with well?

Facebook boyfriend - I guess you could! I think she should have lost the game for having a boring secret. Maybe that girl should have a serious talk with her parents about how to be more interesting.

Secret driver - Rapscallion behavior and teenage rebellion loses its shine if you scuff your feet and admit it to your parents afterwards.

Speeding - Maybe tied for lamest secret. Do not tell anyone ever again.

Smoker - Nah, just stop doing that, it is gross.

Advice given!

Lulu: Okay! Thanks, Darnell.

Valium Frontal Assault

The second letter in yesterday's Dear Prudence also piqued my interest, touching on issues of impaired behavior, consent issues, and oral hygiene.

Last week, I had impacted wisdom teeth removed. A good friend from work agreed to pick me up after the procedure and drive me to the bus station. We're both younger and single and have many shared interests outside of work, except I'm a gay man and my friend is a straight man.

The dentist used intravenous sedation, and I remember nothing of the procedure or drive afterward—my first memory was getting off the bus at my stop. But the next day at work, my friend said that I was very sexually aggressive with him after he picked me up. He says I put my hands down his pants and he even had to stop the car.

My friend has been distant for the last week at work, and we haven't hung out since the incident. Needless to say, I'm embarrassed and horrified. While my friend is attractive, I would never make any sexual advances toward him (except, apparently, when coming off a Valium drip). I want to continue our good working relationship and friendship, but now he's creeped out by me or, worse, thinks I have a secret crush on him. How should I go about addressing this situation and repairing our relationship?

Prudence comes down strongly on an unexpected side.

I don't give a pass to people who try to excuse their bad behavior by saying they drank so much they no longer were aware of their actions. But that does not apply to the I.V. drip. I was knocked out for a medical procedure recently, and my husband said I babbled incoherently on the way home in the car, then fell asleep midsentence. Once home, I apparently asked my daughter repeatedly, and with increasing agitation, where she was going while she was simply standing in front of me. I remember none of this.

The reason medical offices release recently sedated people only to responsible adults is because patients could find themselves in deep trouble trying to make their way home solo. Your friend should never have dropped you off at the bus—you're lucky the Valium didn't prompt you to grope a fellow rider. He should have been thoughtful enough to take you home and make sure you were safely tucked into bed, no matter what kind of crazy stuff you were doing and saying about going to bed together.

You need to tell him that you're concerned your friendship has been damaged by your Valium-addled mental state. Reiterate that you have no memory of any of this, and now that your wisdom teeth are out, you plan to stay far away from I.V. sedation. If he remains cool, then he's just the kind of jerk who would dump an ailing friend at a bus stop.

Darnell: Prudence is a little harsh on the victim of sexual assault.

Lulu: I know!!

Darnell: Unintentional or not, that guy was well within his rights to remove himself from that situation as quickly as possible.

Lulu: Yeah, if someone is groping you, you are not required to take it if they are drugged. That's only true in the romance novels that I read.

Darnell: I think she has a good point that the guy should be more forgiving after the fact, and differentiating between drunken behavior and medically induced drugged behavior. If you get yourself drunk it is easy to shrug it off and say, "Well I was loaded!", but you do get yourself that way, usually on purpose.

Lulu: Right. This wasn't his fault. He may not even have had a choice of anesthetics if the case was especially bad, which it sounds like this was. Man, his mouth is probably still sore.

Darnell: Still, I feel like people should forgive drunken behavior, mostly because that is a stance I require to still have friends. You can't judge it cleanly without knowing the parties involved, but there is probably some homophobia in the mix there.

Lulu: Yeah? my thought was that there was probably some secret crush in the mix there.

Darnell: Probably a little bit of both.

Lulu: You probably wouldn't hit on someone you were totally unattracted to, even while drugged. But the fact that your friend is a little attracted to you doesn't mean you can't be friends. Which is a stance I require in order to have friends (WINK!)

Darnell: The number of people who are okay with gay is much larger than the number of people who are okay with gay when it is pointed at them. Because you can point gay at people, like a loaded gun. A loaded gun filled with rainbow bullets.

Lulu: Meh. I think it's legit if the driver's just upset at being groped.

Darnell: I'd lay good odds that if the LW was a lady, the driver would have still be uncomfortable in the moment but more willing to laugh it off the next day. I have seen this situation with a straight dude sober and a drunken drunken lady, and it was definitely more laughable than a serious offense.

Lulu: Hm. But if the driver were a lady (and the LW a straight man), she might be more creeped out. Maybe it depends on the relative physical strength of the parties involved???

Darnell: It could be! Science! I will make a chart!

Sober	Intoxicated
	Dude	Lady
Dude	Creeped out and remains creeped out (situation in this letter)	Maybe creeped out, quickly forgiving
Lady	Creeped out and remains creeped out (according to Lulu)	????

Lulu: Yeah, i dunno about lady/lady either. I guess it depends on the people, which is maybe true of all of these things.

Darnell: If a lady you weren't attracted to started groping on you while drunk or in a drugged haze, how would you feel?

Lulu: Who is this lady?

David: Patricia Heaton.

Lulu: Oh. I guess I would forgive her. I would be creeped out in the moment but I wouldn't hold it against her if she apologized.

Darnell: She is the darling of early evening television. Man, Prudence's advice is absolutely going to crush the friendship if the LW takes it. She is at least implying that the LW should be angry at the driver. Anger is not the emotion to bring to this conversation.

Lulu: True. If you're asking forgiveness, you need to be forgiving yourself.

Darnell: The LW can't even bring the attitude that he is forgiving the driver to that conversation. That might result in the sitcom situation where the party in the wrong is like, "Hey, I apologize for my terrible behavior... now don't you have something to say to me?"

Lulu: Yeah. It is weird for the columnist to take someone who is not angry and give them reasons they should be angry!

Darnell: Prudence, more like STEWdence... because of... stewing... in anger.

Lulu: No.

Darnell: No, not at all.

Lulu: So what is our advice? Do nothing, hope for the best?

Darnell: My advice is to apologize, if he hasn't already, the letter doesn't actually say. Make motions towards continued friendship in a space-giving way, group activities and the like. Sometimes you did kill the frienship though. If that doesn't work out, time to move on. Oh, and try to avoid situations that involve impaired judgment if you are going to hang out.

Lulu: I agree. And he needs to avoid any behavior that makes it seem like he has a secret crush, including but not limited to vehemently denying that he has a secret crush.

Vibrant Young Spinster

Ashley joined us just in time to mock me for being single as we discussed Love Letters.

Are some people just not meant for relationships? Here is a glimpse into my past:

In high school and most of college I dated many guys, generally for two months, from all walks of life: older, younger, the athlete, the nerd, the "gangsta," the preppy, the lead singer of a band, guy in the military, the cable guy, the nice guy, and the jerk. If you are wondering, I was only intimate with a select few at an older age. The one true relationship that counted lasted 9 months... Typically, I wind up losing interest after a few weeks and end it.

Present: today I consider myself very successful, confident, and independent at the age of 25. I work for a world-wide company and travel. Recently I have sworn into the United States Reserves and leave for boot camp very soon.

Future: My long-term goals include a career switch, continuing with the Reserves, and living in Massachusetts or the New England area. I feel very fortunate and proud to have accomplished all of this but I feel there is a piece missing. Perhaps the missing piece is a partner to share and enjoy life with.

I am afraid that my life will never calm down enough to share it with someone else. Everyone seems to be clingy nowadays. I am very independent and like to do my own thing but not necessarily 24/7 by any means. Maybe that could change if I met the right person. Friends have said that I need someone who will challenge me, be my equal, and have the same or very similar interests. Should I just live and enjoy my 20s even though I feel something is missing? Am I too independent? Should I be concerned that I hardly ever fall or "settle" for someone? It seems like everyone else I know can be happy or settle with someone. I just feel lost in this whole matter or that I am doing something wrong.

I don't actually have a problem with Meredith Goldstein's response.

You've dated a bunch of people, WIESD. You're 25. You're about to leave for boot camp. You're single and wondering why.

My thought is -- thank goodness you haven't met someone awesome. This isn't the right time. Maybe soon, but not now.

Now, everyone is going to tell you that you're whining about nothing, but before they do, let me remind them that there are some significant feelings going on here. Just because a person isn't ready to be serious with someone doesn't mean they can't get lonely. Loneliness can be overwhelming. It can make a person believe that they'll never be understood, that they'll never get out of their solitary hole, and that the rest of the world is experiencing something they'll never get their hands on.

Don't let the loneliness scare you. It doesn't mean that you'll never meet anyone. It doesn't mean that you're not capable. And being in the Reserves -- well, you'll be meeting people who share your motivation and drive. That sounds pretty promising to me.

The present doesn't stand for anything but the present. You're not doing anything wrong. It just takes time.

Darnell: Loneliness is a tough one!

Ashley: Yeah. I think that's a question for Lulu. Since losing interest after several weeks is what Lulu does best.

Lulu: Thanks. Thanks for that.

Ashley: In ALL OF HER ENDEAVORS.

Lulu: Ha. Okay, well that's fair. Well, the thing is, I'm 25, and so is the LW. So I'm not coming to this from a grown up "oh you are so young, you are a BABY, don't sweat it" place. But: she is so young. Or he. It's a girl, right?

Ashley: I think girl, yeah. Presumably an openly gay man isn't joining the Reserves.

Darnell: Who has a successful life AND joins the Reserves?

Lulu: Not only is she young, but her life is in flux; it's not like she has a salary job in a small town somewhere and plans to stay there. In her circumstances, it's silly to think, "The way things are now is the way it will always be."

Darnell: In the same vein though, the idea that you'll eventually meet the right person when the time is right is laughably false.

Lulu: I agree, and it could be that she will never meet someone and will be single forever. But if she wants to have a relationship, she will probably eventually have an opportunity for that.

Darnell: If you don't make room for it in your life, those chances go up significantly.

Lulu: I dunno - I think it's fine for her to keep busy and keep her eyes open. No point in leaving Friday night open (just in case!!!!), that's just leaving the door open to wallow in self pity. If and when you meet someone you will be able to choose what other things in your life you want to blow off.

Ashley: Yeah, I think generally I'd rather fill my life with stuff and then give some of it up, than to leave it available for Someone To Come Along. But then again Galahad is busy a lot of the time. Saving kittens, etc.

Lulu: It seems like the LW would appreciate someone who is also busy a lot of the time. That seems do-able.

Darnell: There are plenty of busy people, they are just hard to meet.

Lulu: Yeah? I seem to exclusively meet busy people. People who are busy on Friday. Washing their hair. The people I meet have a lot of hair care needs, apparently.

Anna: I meet busy people at events, and then I never see them again. But I'm not looking for a romantic partner.

Lulu: But the LW's question isn't "How do I meet people" so much as "Is there something fundamentally wrong with me such that I will never settle down?" And to that I say probably not. A good percentage of the people in the world do eventually settle down, at least for awhile, in a long-term relationship, and the fact that you are flighty and single at 25 is not necessarily an indicator of the future. Lots of people are flighty and single at 25. LOTS OF PEOPLE. DAMMIT.

My important cruelty

In today's Dear Prudence, a former bully considers apologizing:

I'm a 27-year-old female with a wonderful life. However, as an elementary school student, I was overweight, nerdy, and bookish, and I was teased mercilessly by classmates. I was a sensitive child, and these taunts hurt me deeply. In turn, I did something that I'm still ashamed of—I bullied another classmate. She was an Indian girl and, most embarrassingly, I teased her about her cultural background. (As an adult, I would never tolerate such racist comments.) I have found her Facebook page and would like to send her a brief message apologizing for my behavior as a child. Is this appropriate to do? I don't want to stir up trouble or further hurt this woman in any way, but I need to let her know that I am truly sorry. If one of my former bullies sent me such a message, I would understand why he or she felt the need to apologize.

Prudence's advice starts out straightforward enough...

You can't be wrong for apologizing for doing something shameful. Where you can go wrong is in expecting a forgiving or otherwise gratifying response from the person you hurt.

But quickly takes a turn into the weird...

I'm old-fashioned enough that I don't feel a "brief message" (a private one, please!) on Facebook covers this. I think you should reintroduce yourself through Facebook, then explain that you have been long troubled by your atrocious behavior toward her in grade school and that you would like the opportunity to give a fuller apology—either over the phone or in a letter—if she would consider it. She may just blow you off. If she does, accept that you tried and respect her feelings. If she agrees to talk to you or gives you her address, be careful not to excuse what you did, but explain that you now understand that in the ways of childhood, you struck out at her as an irrational response to your own anguish. Tell her you know you can't undo the pain she suffered then, but you hope she will consider your apology now.

Lulu: Snail mail apology letter? Call her on the phone? What? That's creepy!

Ashley: I know! It's so stalky! Just apologize in a Facebook message. Make it short and sweet, and if they want to respond, they'll do it.

Lulu: Exactly. The reason the LW is hesitant about this in the first place is that she's worried that just thinking about her will bring back bad memories. I guess Prudence wants to err on the side of polite grandeur, but this is not the time!

Ashley: "Can you give me your home address so I can send you A Very Important Letter?" Terrifying.

So here are our Handy Pocket Tips for a Possibly Unwelcome Apology:

* Do make the message as convenient as possible for the reader. Keep it short and sweet, and don't ask for or expect a response.

* Don't make excuses, or try to prove your currently-a-good-person cred. (For the record, I think the way this LW put it is fine--thanks to her matter-of-fact tone, the background information came across as an explanation, not an excuse.)

* Don't assume that you loom large in the apologizee's memories or that they even necessarily remember you. That doesn't mean you're off the hook for apologizing, but keep in mind as you write that your misdeeds are probably more important to you than to them.

* Do communicate with them in a way that minimizes your intrusion into their private spaces and which makes it clear you have done no special research to find them. Facebook is perfect.

I hope nobody copies our pro-plagiarism stance

It's been a few days since we did an academia column, so, in today's Dear Prudence, a question about plagiarism!

Dear Prudence,
I am a graduate student who is finishing my master's thesis. For inspiration, my professor suggested that I look at the thesis of a student who graduated last year and tackled a similar topic. He said it was of the quality that I should be aiming for. I got the thesis and found that most of it is plagiarized word-for-word from a book that I have been using as a source. The subject is rather obscure, and I would not expect my professor to be familiar with the plagiarized book, but I still can't believe that the student got away with it. I don't know what to do. On one hand, I feel it's none of my business, but on the other, I feel the school should know. I also can't help but think that if I don't speak up, during the grading process, my paper will be compared to his, which actually was written by the master in this field.

—Just Want To Graduate

Prudence's anti-plagiarism stance is unsurprising and probably practically and morally correct.

...[N]ow that you have discovered this violation of everything scholarship is supposed to stand for, you must expose it. Take the book and the thesis and highlight a generous selection of relevant passages. Bring it to your professor and explain that as soon as you started reading the thesis, it was obvious it was a work of plagiarism. Let's hope this prompts an investigation and a stripping of this young man's graduate degree.

Probably unsurprisingly to reader(s) of this blog, we take a more, um, morally liberal view of cheating.

Lulu: I can't bring myself to get that incensed about plagiarism.

Ashley: I know I'm supposed to care, I just don't. It's the same with any kind of cheating.

Lulu: From a teacher's point of view, I see how it defeats the purpose, and the school absolutely has a right to try to catch and punish you, but if you can get away with it--I mean, that is a transferable skill.

Ashley: Cheating is how things get done at a job! Rules in academics are stricter than in real life. It's like with programming. Everyone Googles for what they need and cut and pastes other people's code, and that's standard practice in a professional environment, but you'd get in trouble if they caught you doing that on a test.

Lulu: Maybe it's less emotionally charged, because when you get down to it, it's a set of instructions. People don't feel like they put their personality into it. I can see being upset if someone got a lot of money off a story I wrote.

Ashley: I thought you only wrote fan fiction.

Lulu: Okay, a lot of comments. Is an academic work more like a novel or a computer program? Personally, it feels to me more like a computer program: it's to get a job done (convey information), it's not personal and original in the same way as fiction or a memoir. I can imagine feeling differently, so I see why some people get upset. But I do think the consequences of plagiarism allegations in universities outweigh the seriousness of the crime.

Ashley: I don't know if they'd really strip him of his master's. A PhD maybe. They might not want to deal with it.

Lulu: This could really screw him over, though! And there's no way the LW can find out ahead of time. "So, hypothetically... if a master's student were to plagiarize... NOT ME..." I don't think the student actually has a moral duty to protect the plagiarizer, but I also wouldn't want destroying his credentials to be on my conscience.

It depends I guess on how wrong s/he thinks the crime is. Ethically, there is an argument to be made on both sides, but  it would be hard to separate an honest moral opposition to plagiarism from the desire to stick it to the adviser. "Hey, you know that thesis you wanted me to look at? Plagiarized!"

Ashley: I can, but only because I'm morally bankrupt. I would not turn that person in UNLESS I'm sticking it to the advisor. I see no reason not to turn someone in for plagiarism if their plagiarism makes your life difficult. I wouldn't turn someone in for cheating at a test, because I think I will do well enough anyway, but I can see why someone would, if there's a curve.

Lulu: The LW does seem concerned that the thesis wrecks the curve.

Ashley: And, in this particular case, the plagiarism is just so bad. He could have put a little effort into making it less obvious! So I don't feel super bad about turning him in.

Lulu: You think he deserves to be turned in for his poor craftsmanship?

Ashley: Precisely. Put effort in your plagiarism, that's the lesson! It's really an art.

Lulu: We should never be hired to write The Ethicist.

This LW should not appear on "You Can't Do That On Television"

From today's Dear Prudence live chat transcript:

I'm a 23-year-old female, and I was at a party this weekend with my 26-year-old best friend/roommate. She can be kind of zany sometimes, and for some reason when I came up to her on the dance floor, she poured an entire glass of whiskey all over my head! I was obviously mortified, upset, confused, and angry; I left the party immediately in tears. She wasn't drunk, and I know she just meant it as a funny joke. Needless to say, I didn't find it especially funny. I spent the night toweling off at another close friend's house because I just couldn't stand to deal with her. My problem is that I'm really upset about the fact that she hasn't made any effort to apologize, explain, or offer to pay for dry-cleaning of my soaked clothes or the blowout that I had just gotten that day at the salon. I know she doesn't think it was a big deal, and I'm sure if I ask her, she won't think it necessary to pay for anything. I hate confrontation, but I know that I can't just let this go! Do you have any advice on how I can talk to her and feel reciprocated?

Prudence finds the zany friend's behavior equally appalling.

I'm wondering if your roommate is the grown-up version of the girl who pees on her aunt's wedding dress. There is zany, then there is deranged. Are you sure your roommate doesn't have a smoldering mental problem? In any case, it would be crazy on your part to let someone dump a drink on your head and not call her on it. You have to tell her what she did to you was deeply disturbing, and your living arrangements and friendship are in jeopardy if she ever does something like that again.

Ashley: I guess I don't see the big deal. It was dumb, but that's what you get when you go to a party with drunk people. Although she did say the friend was sober.

Lulu: The thing is, if your friend is the kind of friend who thinks, "I will dump whiskey on her head!" and then does it, and she is sober, at what point is she going to think "I will apologize and offer to pay dry cleaning"? It is clearly an unreasonable expectation of this person.

Ashley: Because a person who would apologize for that behavior is not a person who would conduct it.

Lulu: Precisely. I don't understand how you can think "It is proper protocol to apologize and make amends after that sort of behavior!" because there is no proper protocol for that sort of behavior because it is not proper protocol!

Ashley: Is it bad that I think dumping whiskey on someone's head is kind of funny? Even if it's my head.

Lulu: That too. I definitely wouldn't call it "deeply disturbing." I can see, in the moment, being like, okay, that's weird. Like, what the fuck, dude. And I can see how this incident might cause you to be on your guard because it's an indication that she doesn't think before she acts, and that could be a problem if you intend to tell her a secret or lend her something or be near her when she is holding a steak knife. But, I mean, it's not like a betrayal. It clearly wasn't planned. It is clearly a crime of passion from a person with poor impulse control.

Ashley: And of ways poor impulse control can manifest, this seems fairly benign.

Lulu: It could have been acid. Or spiders. Or fifty-ton weights.

Ashley: I guess if the measure of friendship is whether or not they drop fifty-ton weights on your head, we're being pretty lax.

Lulu: To some extent, though, it's kind of on you to choose not to be friends with the fifty-ton weight-dropping person. People don't owe it to you to behave the way you want them to, even if all you want is what you think is within the bounds of common decency. Not everyone is commonly decent.

Ashley: I'm back to "it wasn't that bad." Running off in tears? It seems like an overreaction.

Lulu: My interpretation of that is that the girl is upset because she thought her friend was one way, but really she is another way? It's not about the drink, it's about trust: when you think someone is predictable (to you) but they aren't. That can be painful.

Ashley: But she does say that her roommate tends to be "zany."

Lulu: Right, I would assume that, as her best friend and roommate, the LW has had indications of this kind of behavior in the past. Although, as noted, she does seem to persist in assuming that this person will act like a normal person against all evidence to the contrary.

Ashley: It's a theory of mind problem. It's about being aware that other people are different from you.

Lulu: I think so too. Though, rereading her question, she does seem very much concerned about the financial aspects. Her clothes, her blowout.

Ashley: If she's concerned with the money, she should ask for it - the friend isn't going to offer.

Lulu: I agree, it's standard friend and/or roommate business transaction.

Ashley: "When you go to do your dry cleaning, just add this shirt to your stuff, since you did dump whiskey on it." I mean, if the roommate had borrowed it and spilled whiskey on herself, she'd clean it. Presumably.

Lulu: I think that has the best chance of working--preserving the friendship and possibly getting the money. If the roommate refuses a request like that, then it's a bigger problem. But the LW seems like she is angry and she wants to have it out on principle, to show that her roommate's actions have consequence and that she finds it unacceptable to be treated this way.

Ashley: She "hates confrontation," so her roommate probably doesn't even know that this is a problem!

Lulu: Well, now is as good a time as any to let her know. And that's a way to go--I don't think it's a way to go that will result in them continuing to be friends, and she should be prepared to stop partying with her and possibly move out, but it may worth it to her for her money and her dignity.

Ashley: Sure, but this is her best friend! You would think they would have enough history that something this minor wouldn't destroy the friendship.

Lulu: Maybe they have plenty of history. Bad history. Maybe this is the last straw. Sounds like they might be a bad fit, and maybe they'd like each other better in small doses.

Ashley: Are you trying to tell me something?

Lulu: To be honest, though, I don't know if I really believe the roommate is financially culpable for paying for her blowout.

Ashley: Can I just mention that blowout is a silly term? Bloooowout. Blowout?

Lulu: She should contribute some reasonable amount toward dry-cleaning the clothes because more-than-usually messed-up clothes are a reasonable consequence of dumping whiskey on someone's head, but is it the roommate's fault the girl has expensive taste in hairstyles? Maybe when you ruin someone's hair/clothes, you take your chances with it being expensive, but hairstyles are so transitory anyway... I don't know why I am weirdly pro-dumping liquid on people.

Ashley: Likewise. It's not something I do, but I'm not opposed.

Lulu: I mean, I have never had it happen to me, so maybe I would feel different, but I take showers and stuff... voluntarily!

Having looked at the problem two ways, we're going to cop out and offer two possible pieces of advice. The LW, who will never look at this, can take her pick.

1. Decide the friendship is worth the hassle but recognize that this friend requires some special handling (wear old clothes and be prepared for anything). Go ahead and ask for money to repair her wake of destruction, but don't expect much and don't take it personally.

2. Decide your values are too different, the friendship cannot continue as-was, and it's time to transition into just roommates. Nobody's fault, just begin hanging out more with other friends. Either way, she is who she is and it seems like it's not personal.

The other takeaway I suppose is that you can feel free to dump your drink on our heads.

When not to talk to your parents

We'll admit it: the main reason Ashley and I thought we'd be good at an advice column is that we play the "How would you answer this question?" game with existing advice columns. Sure, when we do that, we get to pick and choose which questions we answer. But, let's face it, advice columnists do tend to drop the ball sometimes on younger readers' questions.

Ask Amy, for example, has a tendency to side against teenagers or to always, by default, tell them to come clean to their parents, even when it isn't relevant and we don't think it would help. Take the second letter in this column from her archives. Basically, a 17-year-old girl flirted with her 24-year-old stylist during a hair appointment.

I loved the attention, so I wrote my phone number on his tip.When he actually called that night and asked me to meet him at a party in the city, I was totally taken aback and told him I was busy. He asked me to call him this weekend to set something else up.I'm freaking out because I have absolutely no desire to ever go out with a man six years older who seems to think it's fine for a high school girl to meet up with him on a Thursday night in the city! I can't tell my mom because he does her hair. I can never go back there. What if he calls again?

Amy, of course, advises her to tell her mom:

Of course you can tell your mom — and you should. We moms really don't like it when trusted adults hit on our daughters. I realize that many women absolutely love their hair stylists, but we love our daughters more. You can assume your mother will deal with him directly. [...]If this guy calls, tell him, "I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. You're way too old for me. I only go out with guys my age."The "you're way too old for me" line will give this obnoxious guy something to think about.

We don't think it would. (This is an old column, but for the sake of argument, we'll pretend the drama is current.)

Ashley: She needs to learn how to deal with this situation, because it will come up again. It doesn't matter if you're 17 or 24.

Lulu: Right. She gave her number to a guy and then regretted it; it happens. Her mom doesn't need to be involved. The sooner she learns to do this on her own, the better.

Ashley: And there's nothing "obnoxious" about a guy asking out a girl who gave him her number. The age thing isn't so bad. In a year, she'll be 18. 18 and 25 is okay, I've seen that work. The age is a red herring. She just needs to turn him down.

Lulu: Not calling back is a tried and true way to make it clear you're not really interested.

Ashley: So is telling him.

Lulu: Sure. But given that he's put the ball in her court, I don't think she needs to go out of her way to turn him down.

Ashley: If she does talk to him again, she shouldn't give age as a reason. It would come off as weird.

Lulu: Right, and I feel like referencing her age would give him a foothold to make an argument, because it doesn't sound like a real answer. It feels like a line she's being fed by an adult. There are better, easier ways to blow someone off. "Sorry, I can't." "No thanks."

Ashley: "I really enjoyed talking to you the other day, but I'm actually seeing someone."

Lulu: I like that one. Even if she isn't, he can't disprove it. Even if she mentioned she was single when they flirted, she could have met someone since then. It happens! And it saves face for both of them.

Other times, columnists may give sound advice, but overlook glaring issues that would be relevant for teenagers. For example, we like that Dear Prudence once advised a 16-year-old not to tell her mother she was buying a vibrator. (Do you sense a theme?)

Masturbation is perfectly normal, and a teenager doesn't need to check in with her mother before engaging in it. It's wonderful that you and your mother are so close that you feel you can talk to her about this—but just because you can doesn't mean you should. Part of your job as a teenager is to start separating from your mother, and masturbation may be a good place for you to establish a zone of privacy.

We agree with this, but--while it's not stated directly--we suspect the letter writer may have been considering telling her mother because she couldn't think of any other way to acquire a vibrator. Some sex shops have minimum age requirements, and most people don't have access to a local sex shop--just the Internet. And while the Internet is a great resource, you need your own debit card to buy anything, and you need an address where people aren't likely to be too inquisitive about what packages you're receiving. Many sixteen-year-olds might not have this. The unasked question is, "Should I tell my mother, or if not, HOW do I get a vibrator?"

We think we would need more specifics about her situation to give her a good answer, but our advice, generally: since the mom in question is unlikely to freak out about the vibrator if she finds out about it, you don't have to go into super-stealth mode, just be evasive enough to give her plausible deniability. If you need to borrow her debit card, say you want to buy a bunch of stuff from drugstore.com, and throw a vibrator in with lots of little cheap things that add up. Makeup, in particular, can vary so much in price, that it can really mask an additional purchase. You heard it here first.

We do like the advice columns, and we think they do a lot of things well. Marriage and divorce questions, for example, are not really in our wheelhouse, and are often handled well. But younger writers are often dismissed because of their age or inexperience. Their time in life does affect some very important practical elements of their lives, but such as it's possible, it's appropriate for them to start handling their own drama.