Early to bed, early to rise

Lulu: Hmmm, Meredith’s question is about a guy who goes to bed/gets up early and girl who goes to bed/gets up late! Like you! And Galahad!

Ashley: That is relevant to my life!

Lulu: I know! How do you deal with it?? Meredith doesn't have much, just tells them to get a king-size bed. I agree with her that the solution is not for one of them to adjust to the other's sleep schedule, I don't think that would work.

Ashley: He goes to bed at 10pm, she goes to bed at midnight. He wakes up at 5-7am, she wakes up at 8-9am.

Lulu: Are you saying it's not that different? Because his seems super early to me...Hers seems early side of normal.

Ashley: I think we’re bad judges of “normal”. Left to my devices, I would be 3am to 11am sleep person

Lulu: Same. Maybe 4-12…

Ashley: Galahad and I both compromised, basically. We go to bed at 12-1am, and get up at 8-9am.

Lulu: So you're saying 11 to 7 would not that bad for either one.

Ashley: Right, I think they could try that. But, I mean, he works shifts, so that might be out of his hands. I don't see why his naps are a problem, though.

Lulu: Right, why can't he take a nap and she just... not.

Ashley: Right! And there is also a chance that once they live together, it'll be easier to ignore him getting out of bed. It used to bother me when Galahad got up at 6, but now that we live together, I don't even notice because it's background noise.

Lulu: Yeah, I think the distance makes that worse, because they can't acclimate.

Ashley: Right. So I think the only real problem is that she wakes up when he does, but then doesn't want to take naps, and can't fall asleep earlier. Because it also seems like he's not having issues here, right?

Lulu: Well, he didn't write in.

Ashley: But he just goes to bed when he wants and wakes up when he wants and takes naps when he wants? So the point is… her solutions don't need to be concerned with him, since he's doing what he wants to anyway. So she just needs to fix herself!

Lulu: Hah! I think her best bet might be sleeping in after he wakes up.

Ashley: Her options are:
1) fall back asleep after he gets up
2) go to sleep earlier somehow
3) learn to love naps

Lulu: Getting back to sleep after someone wakes up at 6 is easier than going to bed earlier.

Ashley: But yeah, unless he is actually waking her up at 5am on purpose, I don't think there's anything they can do except get more used to each other, which is admittedly hard in a LDR. So it's one weekend per month, right? I guess they can trade off sleeping on the couch during that weekend?

Lulu: Yeah, if that helps... getting woken up periodically on the bed might be more restful than sleeping in the living room, while people are all getting up making eggs singing songs.

Ashley: ...is that common?

Lulu: I don't know what people do at 5am! I was using my imagination!

In which Lulu and Ashley relate everything to TV

Lulu: In Love Letters, there's a guy who's bad at dating, but I think Meredith's advice is fine, i.e. think of dating as finding someone you like, not gaming to find the highest-quality person who will settle for you.

Ashley: "Is the bar too low" requires examples, though. There is no way to know if he's aiming too high.

Lulu: Yeah, we need photos.

Ashley: I do agree that it's a stupid way to date, but given that he's dating that way, we can't even answer his question!

Lulu: Yeah, is he a 3 approaching 9s or a 7 approaching 4s? It gets fuzzier when you factor in things other than attractiveness, but, really, who does.

Ashley: I know right. He seems to want his date to have a career, but he's under 25. Tons of them won't!

Lulu: Yeah, that's weird. I guess career people are attracted to other career people, but my communist nature wants career people to pair with poor students and artists so they're not just a pair of career people hoarding all the money! But I guess girls who have careers usually want boys with EVEN BETTER careers, and we're just used to boys not caring about girls' moneymaking potential, so it's refreshingly nonsexist but also irritating.

Ashley: It's true that i don't want to date a starving artist, but it has little to do with money-making potential. I just don't like art!

Lulu: Would you date a barista? He loves serving coffee. He's smart and logical and loves sci-fi. He looks like Marshall Mann from In Plain Sight, but with long hair. He makes $12,000 a year, including tips.

Ashley: You had me at Marshall Mann. Also possibly at "barista". I am very sleepy.

Lulu: The commenters seem to be in agreement that settling is a bad idea, although some think it's because he's a jerk for evaluating women in terms of their looks/earning potential and others think he is doing himself a disservice by dating people he's not interested in. (I still think it comes down to whether they're imagining him as a 4 or an 8 in looks an earning potential.) Either way, though, it's a bad idea to date someone you think is beneath you. Ooh, this ties into this week's Amy Alkon too, although there it's intelligence.

Ashley: Reading... Lols. 137 isn't that high. (I'm 138 /flex)

Lulu: I don't know what I am. Probably 139.

Ashley: I know /sigh

Lulu: Agree on Amy Alkon identifying the problem as sunk costs fallacy.

Ashley: Also on man she makes stupid decisions, for a supposedly smart girl.

Lulu: Yeah, maybe do some research before you commit to an investment. In dating, research = time. She also seems to say that she feels this will be a problem when things are less 'new and exciting.' So they still are?

Ashley: And he's already unintelligent and illogical? Like, in everything? That's kind of impressive.

Lulu: She also says she loves him. People are weird.

Ashley: He's Jason from True Blood?

Lulu: I can see it!

Ashley: ...Okay, phrased that way...

Lulu: Right? He's endearing! Dumb, but hot, and most important, likeable.

Ashley: So let's give her the benefit of the doubt and say she's trying to stay with Jason.

Lulu: I feel like a lot of it also depends on, when he has an ignorant, wrong opinion, like 'god hates fangs,' can you change his mind? Is his heart in the right place? Or is he asshole kind of dumb? That's sort of unclear with Jason, really.

Ashley: Jason does change his mind; just, you know, a lot. All the time. His mind is a sieve.

Lulu: Yeah, you can change his mind, but so can the next person he talks to.

Ashley: But he's not malicious. I think "pure of heart" is a good descriptor. As is "village idiot." I think if I knew a girl who was banging Jason, I would tell her to keep banging him. But not like, move in or anything. So I guess she should move out, and get friends and stuff.

Lulu: Yeah, I think that's actually a decent compromise. She already moved, so maybe she can try and see if there is any other advantage to living there if he isn't the center of her world--you know, just in case. It could be like Felicity! She went to NYU for Ben, but she STAYED for the exciting city life. Also Noel. Also Ben. That show was confusing.

Yay porn!

Lulu: Whoa the commenters in Love Letters are pretty much unanimous that a guy who likes rape porn is ONE SECOND AWAY FROM SNAPPING:

Dear Meredith,

I'm a 31-year-old female. I've been in a relationship with a great guy for six months now. We met online. He's 32 and has a graduate degree and a great job. I've met his family and passed their test, and he's met mine and passed theirs. We live apart but spend three to four nights a week together at each other's apartments. So far, so good.

The other night was an unsettling experience to say the least. I was at his place for the night. I woke up at about 3 a.m. and he was not in bed. I could see the light on in his office so I got up and walked down the hall. As I approached the office, I could see him seated at his desk, enjoying an adult video on his computer. I'm not a prude – I know that this happens -- but what was unsettling was that he was viewing [extremely aggressive] material that was degrading to women, both verbally and physically. And what was worse, he was muttering to himself as if he were part of the scene.

Needless to say, I was appalled. He absolutely is not like that. He treats his mother and sisters with great respect. Our lovemaking is sweet and tender, almost too gentle. He's about the last guy on earth I would have expected this from. Now I'm concerned that he harbors some deep hatred of women that might work its way to the surface someday.

My question is, is it normal for a guy to view pornography that is way outside his everyday persona? Do pornography habits ever translate into action in real life?

-- Not Sure What's Behind the Green Door, Weston

Lulu: Meredith is pretty even keel about it, I guess, but she's clearly expecting the commenters to blow their collective fuse:

In college, for my women's studies minor, I did a thesis about feminism and pornography. It by no means made me an expert (in fact, I really phoned it in with that paper), but I was surprised to discover during my research that many feminists were open to pornography that on the surface appeared to be offensive to women. These feminists wrote that fantasy lives were separate from real-life behavior and that role playing was just fine. And for the most part, I now agree with the spirit of that philosophy. After all, we all know that I fantasize about a 17-year-old vampire high school student who lives in suburban Washington. If he actually existed, I can't say that I'd date him, let alone touch him. I mean, he's 17.

I believe that the answer to what's going on behind your boyfriend's green door can be answered with a simple conversation, NSWBTGD. Tell him what you saw. Ask him what he likes. Then ask him why. He'll either talk about it and explain himself in a normal way -- probably with some silliness and shame -- or he'll tell you something that will make you feel bad in your gut. Guts are important when it comes to this stuff.

And don't get me wrong, if the pornography you saw can be described as true violence against women, the answer is probably clear. But if it's just about role playing -- and you're OK with that as long as he's not some sort of secret misogynist -- then just talk to him. You'll get a vibe.

Because there is no normal. Some people are anti-pornography. Some couples watch pornography together. Some people's fantasy lives have nothing to do with what they actually enjoy when they're with another person. Only you can decide what you can live with. See how he reacts when you ask him about it.

Readers? Is this normal? Should she talk to him about it or just bail? Is it weird that he was doing this while she was there? What should she say to him if she has the talk? Does the "too gentle" thing bother you?

Ashley: Incredible.

Lulu: But everyone seems really invested in whether the porn is violent or not, whereas it seems to me that it can depict something infinitely violent as long as the actors were not actually harmed - I mean that is the standard we hold non-porn TV to, right?

Ashley: Right, right. Although I do find it creepy when people talk at the TV as if they're there; usually this happens with sports, the whole yelling at the players to do things. It's supremely uncomfortable for me. So maybe it's the same thing? You're hoping the people on the screen will "score"? But really, I guess I don't have an issue with any kind of porn, as long as no one's actually injured.

Lulu: Right, agreed, and I have read some pretty violent stories that had erotic intent... so...

Ashley: Yeah, it's hard for me to see where people would draw the line. I.e. I'm not really interested in watching porn, but I don't care if it's got the M/F adult thing, or foursomes or kids or whatever. It's all not my cup of tea, because I like to read my porn. I can't imagine caring.

Lulu: I mean, maybe if you're not into any kind of porn (visual or text) and you don't have any fantasies other than finding someone nice and settling down, then maybe you don't have any basis for understanding that it's possible to get off on watching characters do something you don't want to do in real life.

Ashley: I love all the comments that are like, "why is he sneaking off at 3am to watch porn? That's so creepy!" When do YOU watch porn, commenters??

Lulu: 11 AM. On Tuesdays.

Editing the script

I love it most when advice columnists get very specific and tell you exactly what to do or say. Vague advice is less interesting and less useful, and it's also less easy to nitpick!

Meredith Goldstein from Love Letters occasionally gives LWs a specific line or script for a dating situation. Recently, Ashley and I critiqued two of these.

(Note: in both of these, I edited the letters heavily for space, but if you follow the links you can see the (less-)edited version. Both the LWs express their personalities very vividly in writing.)

From April 8, She's a Stage 5 Clinger:

I'm considered a pretty nice person, which at times is not good. Yes, I have gotten the whole "You're too nice" malarkey several times. And no, this is not one of those "waaahhh I'm too nice, I hate my life waaaahh" stories. No, I'm not like that I, I don't play that card, I find it pathetic. But every once in a while I wish I could be more of a jerk.

...[A] couple weeks ago, I hooked up with this girl and she stayed over. Sweet, right? Wrong. I've known this person for a long time and had a sense that she liked me but I wanted no part of her beyond what we were doing that night and made that explicitly clear. Before anything physical began I reviewed the ground rules (this is what it is and not anything more, I don't want you calling me all the time, I will not visit you, I do not feel for you romantically, this is just a hook up etc etc). And now I am being mercilessly bombarded with numerous daily texts, phone calls, Facebook chat messages and wall posts, she's friended my friends ... I hate when my cell phone buzzes. Seriously it's NON STOP. I've reminded her of my pre-bedroom riot act speech but nothing changed. Currently I'm ignoring her and it’s not working... She is a STAGE FIVE CLINGER.

...I have never had to resort to being a jerk to get rid of someone and I really do not want start now. I feel like that might be my only resort unless you can figure out an alternative.

Meredith responds,

Feel free to cut this next paragraph and email it to your clinger.

Dear [insert clinger's name here],
This is a difficult email to write. I'm concerned about our friendship. I allowed our relationship to become physical a few weeks ago and it was probably a mistake. I've been noticing that you're contacting me a lot more often than you used to, and while I think that you're pretty great, I just can't be the friend/partner you're looking for. I'm starting to feel guilty when I don't pick up the phone, and when I do pick up the phone, I afraid that it means more than it should. I think that we should take some space to figure out how to make our relationship more like it used to be. I care about you and don't want to hurt you. But I also want to be honest and make it clear that I was happy with what we had before we crossed a line. I hope you understand. For now, let's keep our distance.
Sincerely,
[your name here]

That answer falls somewhere between passive and jerky and makes it possible for you to block her on Facebook and to ignore her calls without feeling as though you're disappearing without explanation. Just be clear about what you need -- and do it respectfully. It's called being empathetic and assertive. You're capable.

Lulu: Well I mean it's kind of tangential point, but I don't understand this guy's definition of "too nice."

Ashley: It's a common misunderstanding of "nice", avoiding someone because you don't want to hurt their feelings or whatnot.

Lulu: Yeah, that's sort of what it seems like now, he's being indirect or conflict avoiding because he thinks that's nice, but before the hookup, it seemed like he valued directness over tact, what with the lengths he says he went to to assure her it wasn't anything more than a hookup. I just can't form a consistent code of ethics out of what he says.

Anyway, it doesn't matter, because the solution is the same. He has to be direct with her now. I see NO WAY in which Meredith's letter is "somewhere between passive and jerky." It's waaaay too nice. It's mixed messages, and there are so many compliments that she'll just read it as a love letter.

I don't think it's mean, or jerky, to say what you mean in direct language, especially when hints or softer language have proved useless. Being mean would be calling her a dumb bitch, which is what he's going to snap and do if he keeps trying to be nice and she keeps not getting the point.

Ashley: Yeah, I'd just break up with her. Even though he said blah blah etc., clearly she thinks they're together. "I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore. I'm seeing other people, please stop contacting me."

From March 29, "Dating While Dry":

This past year I was diagnosed with epilepsy and my days of enjoying cocktails at the bars of Back Bay are, much to my 27-year-old chagrin, currently shelved alongside my dating books. One of those very books on that shelf says that dating at this age without adult beverages is virtually impossible, and I can assure you that is a fact. I recently went on a first date and couldn't have my patented first date glass (or 3) of wine.

The date went surprisingly well and at 2 a.m. it was time to go home. Thank god, because Cute Boy was clearly digging this Back Bay blonde and I wanted to ride the wave to date number two. Here's where it got awkward. Ugh. He made a comment about me not drinking. "So I need to ask you, are you always dry?" The question was fine. I mean, it is weird when people don't drink and you don't know why.... [but] it kind of ruined the moment. He ended up saying, "Maybe I'll see you around Back Bay this weekend." (Awesome, Cute Boy. See you at Shaws. I'll be in the H20 aisle.)....

So what should I do Meredith? Stalk AA Meetings? Fake Drink?

Meredith assures the LW she can still date without drinking, and advises her on how to answer the "Why?" question, which I agree is her real problem.

There are ways to answer the booze question without getting into specifics. You can try, "I'm on meds that don't mesh well with booze." Or, "I'm a vodka-tonic girl, but only on special occasions." There's also the good old, "I can't drink much because of a health condition. But I make a fantastic designated driver." You don't have to get into the whole epilepsy thing, but you do have to come up with some sort of answer. And as long as you're easygoing about that answer, it'll be OK.

Lulu: I'm here to tell you that dating without drinking is possible. I think I've had a drink on maybe 1% of my first dates.

Ashley: It's harder, in the same way as having any restriction is harder than not. And how you frame it matters. Take vegetarians as an example. I would have no problem going to a bakery or something for a first date, if they didn't tell me they were vegetarian. If they did, i'd be automatically thinking of things we can't do instead of things we can. When you focus on things you can't do, it makes the person less appealing.

Lulu: Yeah, I agree, it's about context. If you plan a date at a barbecue place, the fact you're vegetarian will come up, and it will make you look repressed and inflexible with your sad salad. If you go to a bar then not drinking looks weird. Maybe she should plan a first date at a coffee place.

Ashley: Okay, I've read it now. So, it's not exactly that she's telling people ahead of time, which was my concern; it's that when they ask, she doesn't have a response. In her situation, I think it's fine to say "I have epilepsy."

Lulu: Yeah, I don't see why she can't tell it like she did at the beginning of letter. "I have epilepsy, so I can't drink." I didn't know that was a thing, but a guy will figure it out from context, like I did reading the letter.

Ashley: It's not like it's a stigmatized disease or anything. I think "health condition" makes it sound way worse than it is.

Lulu: Ditto "meds."

Ashley: Yes. Meds is bad. Makes you sound like you have schizophrenia. (You shouldn't drink on those meds either.)

Lulu: Even 'medication' isn't great.

Ashley: (What should schizophrenics say??)

Lulu: I have epilepsy.

We have no advice (we have advice)

Ashley: In Prudence, there's a teenager who found her dad's porn.

Lulu: That problem always comes up, and I never have any advice. Uh, ignore it? Everyone watches porn.

Ashley: Or reads it.

Lulu: Everyone consumes porn. Nomnomnom.

Ashley: There's a bit of a twist in the column, though.

Q. While looking for a movie to put on my iPod on the family computer, I saw a really disturbing title. "Wild. Teen (S-E-X)" What should I do? I have a feeling this movie might be illegal, and I am kind of scared to be around my dad right now. I don't want any divorce/court/prison-type things to happen, so I am clueless. I have two 5- and 7-year-old brothers, and I haven't told anyone. HELP!

A: As disturbing as your discovery is, I doubt there is anything for you to be scared about. Yes, the idea is creepy, but men viewing porn is very, very common. Your father would probably be more mortified than you are scared when he discovers you came upon his porn-viewing. Take him over to the computer and show him what you saw and say, "Dad, I found this when I was searching for a movie, and obviously it upset me." Let's hope he's grown up enough to apologize and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Lulu: Okay, so I guess this kid assumes it is child porn? Because it says teen sex? But teen could mean 18 or 19 or 27 pretending to be 18.

Ashley: Usually the latter, yeah.

Lulu: Or even 27 pretending to be 16, and it would all be fine and legal. Given that probably 90% of porn videos claim the female lead(s) are celebrating their 18th birthday, the fact that it has teen in the title is meaningless. It might not even necessarily be what the dad is into but just what is available. The fact that i have hint of lime taco chips doesn't mean I love lime, it just means I love taco chips and that's what was at the store. I DO love lime, but that is irrelevant.

Ashley: I also love lime! And 18-year-old girls.

Lulu: I would not do what Prudence said.

Ashley: Correct. Why seek out an uncomfortable discussion?

Lulu: There are two passive aggressive methods that i can think of if what she wants is to get the dad (or mom!!!!!!!!) to stop leaving porn videos in the open:

1. delete any you find

2. save your own to the same folder

Ashley: Find a gay video, save it with the same filename. See what happens.

Lulu: I bet he won't notice, because I bet he didn't intend to leave a copy in the My Downloads folder or whatever. So she can probably safely delete it, protect her young brothers' virgin eyes, and do her dad a favor in the process.

Huh. I guess we did have advice for this LW after all.

Now, we really don't any advice for the LW in today's Love Letters. We just find the letter spectacular.

A few months back, I began to realize that I was falling in love with a woman I have known for some time but never got to know well. Being a hopeless romantic, I penned a letter to her stating that I had come to cherish our time/conversation and that I didn't know where our relationship was headed, but that I was so blessed to have her in my life.

She did not respond directly to the letter, though at other points she had told me that I was "endearing in every way" and made me blush (inside and out, I imagine) with other generous (albeit exaggerated) compliments.

Over the following months, we texted every night before we go to bed, hung out after work, talked intimately about life, and generally appeared to be engaged in the process of falling in love as I have come to know it -- the breaking down of barriers and the full sharing of oneself with another.

Yesterday, after playing board games at a local cafe for a few hours after work, she invited me to her apartment. I accepted, not thinking/expecting that anything physical would occur, but with heart aflutter that this was yet another sign of a desire for romance.

After looking at photos/artwork on her bed, I told her, in no uncertain terms, that I had fallen hard for her. She seemed excited to hear this first-hand, but also cautious, because, as it turns out, she is in an open relationship.

Such relationships are not for me (though I certainly do not begrudge others for engaging in them), but I now find myself between a rock and a hard place with two emotions/thoughts: (1) A wish that she had told me about her status earlier so that I could try to emotionally reorient myself (though I admit that I probably could not have stopped falling for her), and, connected with #1, (2) A concern that our relationship, somewhat paradoxically, cannot continue because we are so close, but cannot take the next step.

Should she have said something earlier? Exclusivity isn't important to her but was it reasonable to assume it wouldn't be for me? Do I try to slowly move away from the intimate communications we've been having, so as to create distance while not being reactive?

Ashley: He's right. She should have told him. But he's such a tool that I don't care.

Lulu: Right?? I mean, I don't agree with Meredith's response, because she comes down hard against open relationships in general. I don't think that you're not allowed to have an open relationship. I do think it's shady not to mention your relationship with someone you're having these intimate Life Conversations with, and who has made it clear he's interested in you, no matter what kind of relationship it is. If she wanted him to be a secondary partner, or whatever, she should have made that clear so he could make an informed decision. But it sounds like she's not particularly into him at all, really.

So I do sympathize with him. It sucks to find out the person you have a crush on is unavailable in the way that you wanted. Realizing you can't be around someone you like because you wanted them as a girlfriend and not a friend is not paradoxical, it is normal, and it sucks.

But I still think that he is a real knob.

Efficient advice machines!

Ashley: What do you think about today's The Vine?

Q. I have an older sister. The thing about her is that she was a pretty comprehensively horrible older sister to grow up with, and a while back, I decided that I was kind of done with her being a horrible older sister to be a grownup with, too. ... I offered her a deal. I wanted to get off the merry-go-round of aggravation and nastiness, so I proposed terms which boiled down to some pretty elemental behaving-like-adults stuff. ... Sister said no, she wasn't interested. I said if that was her choice, then we couldn't have a relationship any more.

It's been about a year and a half since then. In that time I have seen her in person once, at Christmas 2009, at our parents' house. (I was civil, but distant.) The part that gets awkward? She still gives me birthday and Christmas presents, transferred via our parents. This Christmas, my mother followed this up with suggesting that I should write her a thank-you note for the present I had rather awkwardly taken along with my gifts from my parents and family friends.

I feel like doing so would be wrong — because I set a boundary and it's important to me to hold it, and because it would probably suggest to her that I was caving and we could resume a relationship on her terms, which I feel would be unfair, since that isn't going to happen.

What do you think? Should I write her a note — but tell her that I'm still not going to interact with her if I have a choice? Should I ignore it, and treat the gifts as damages for past injuries, or pass them on to charities? Should I reject the gifts entirely? (In my cultural background, refusing a gift is incredibly rude, and I'm reluctant to horrify my parents like that, but…)

A. But you're still interacting with her. You still have a relationship with her, and she still controls you through it. Standing right at the boundary line and informing her, over and over, that this is the boundary and you will defend it is not ignoring her or ending the relationship. It's creating even more thankless work and frustration for yourself within it. ...

Accept that she will not learn, give yourself permission to stop giving a shit, and do whatever requires the least effort and emotional engagement going forward. It doesn't sound to me like you've explained the situation to your parents, which you might consider doing, in brief, so they understand why you behave certain ways, but if it's going to turn into even more drama and they'll still make a federal case out of you accepting the gift, well, then just accept the damn thing. Take it, write a short thank-you note, and sell it on eBay or drop it in a trash can two blocks away. ...

You don't have to forgive her, or stop thinking she's a dick, but if you genuinely don't want to deal with her? Don't. But holding a boundary this unswervingly is dealing with her. Find another way, one that lets you go back to not thinking about her as soon as possible.

Lulu: I think if you have told somebody you do not want them to contact you anymore, you do not need to write them a thank you note. She can accept the gift given through the parents and discard or keep it as she wishes, because the parents don't need to be put in the middle of this, but if she has told her sister she doesn't want a present, then it's fine for the sister's presents to go into the void UNTHANKED.

Ashley: Yeppers!

Lulu: Hee hee. Anything to add or shall we move on to dispatching Miss Manners?

Ashley: I think that covers it!

Lulu: Okay, so today's Miss Manners.

Q. I seem to be at the very beginning of what might be a romance, having gone on two fun and innocent dates. I know that you encourage a period of "friendship" before plunging in. Would it ruin the illusion of just being friends to give a handmade valentine card?

I do like to make valentine cards with lots of lace and red hearts, but maybe that would seem silly. Should I give it in person, or mail it? Mailing it would require finding out the mailing address somehow. And, what should it say?

The general message I would like to convey is, at the very least, "I would very much like to keep dating you!"

A. Leaving aside the notion of "plunging in," which Miss Manners would prefer not to think about, she may well have suggested the friendship approach to romance. Not that she really expected anyone to listen.

So instead of courtship strategy, she will discuss your question in terms of the strategy of etiquette. As this has to do with the effect on the recipient, it may amount to the same approach.

The object should be to delight him, rather than to embarrass him. You know him better than Miss Manners does, although not much better, since you don't know where he lives. If you believe that a valentine from you will set his heart racing, go ahead. However, she believes that even if a romance is budding between you, it is all too likely to inspire the unromantic thought, "Uh-oh. Was I supposed to send you one?"

Ashley: I do agree re: not making him think he was supposed to get you something, but I don't think a card necessarily implies that, especially if you like making them. Maybe make a stack and pointedly fish out his? So he doesn't think he's too special?

Lulu: Ha ha, yeah. Search ostentatiously through a messenger bag of red envelopes. This is similar to advice Darnell gave me about the candygrams - plausible deniability! She should definitely try to keep it simple and spontaneous-seeming, and avoid going overboard. She shouldn't send it in the mail.

Ashley: Agreed. Mailed would be weird.

Lulu: Okay, so we're done here too? We're so efficient with our advice today! Bam bam bam! Let's do another! Any thoughts on ex-girlfriend pictures on Facebook? This is in Love Letters, and Meredith comes down HARD on the side of taking down the pics.

Q. [My sister's] boyfriend and the guy I've been dating for a month are both reluctant to remove their cuddly, kissy, coupley Facebook pictures with ex-girlfriends. Both men rationalize that they are trying to maintain casual friendships with these exes, and do not want to take the hurtful action of removing or untagging the pictures.

My sister and I lean toward thinking that this is a bunch of malarkey. My sister fears that her boyfriend still cherishes feelings for his ex. I don't feel similarly threatened by my guy's ex-lady, but I just feel awkward that his profile contains dozens of public photos of him with her! ... I can't relate to my guy's reasoning since I'm not friends with any of my exes, but personally I always take down coupley pictures once a relationship has ended. (I've also noticed that many of my guy friends keep pictures of their ex-girlfriends on their profiles. Is this related to gender?)

Help! What do you think we should tell our guys? Is there a standard of etiquette around this issue?

A: If the picture is on his profile, he should take it down. If it's tagged on someone else's, he's allowed to de-tag himself. Your feelings should be more important than his ex's. And if he's worried about offending anyone, he should slim down his entire gallery of photos so that he's just keeping the bare minimum.
Really, I've never understood the whole I’m-putting-everything-on-Facebook thing. I know I'm an old lady in my 30s, but it's about respect and privacy, two things that never go out of style.

You're right. He's wrong. And your sister is right, too. You can't start dating new people and expect them to smile at your Facebook profile if it's basically a scrapbook of your dating history.

Tell you guy he should take down the pics -- so he doesn't seem like a jerk. And if he doesn't agree, forward him your friend's text. He’s obviously worried what people think of him. He should know how this looks.

And maybe tell him that he doesn't have to replace those pictures with 100 photos of you. Make some memories in real life. Not everything has to be part of the display.

Lulu: I don't see a problem with it at all. If facebook is the place you put all your pictures from your life, then obviously you will have a lot of pictures from every relationship. I don't think you should have a picture of you with your ex as your main profile pic, since that's the one that's supposed to represent you right now, but I don't see what's wrong with having outdated photos in your photo section.

Ashley: Maybe she should defriend him. Then she won't have to worry about it.

The dating game

Lulu: Ha ha. Reading Love Letters today, I was like, "Yeah, this seems like a normal problem, this is sort of like me," and people in comments are all "I don't understand, this is weird, you need therapy!"

I'm a 25-year-old woman, and it has been seven years since I've been in a relationship. Not just a serious relationship -- any relationship at all, or any date with a guy I've had positive feelings for...

I sing in a very social choir; I work at an office full of young people; I live in the city where I went to college and am still close with a lot of college friends. Granted, these aren't all the best ways to meet guys (my co-workers are mainly women, and choirs tend to be weighted towards men who are not interested in women), but I do socialize with a lot of people. Obviously there are a lot of fluky things that can result in dry spells, but it just seems like in such a long period of time, something should have happened with someone.

My conclusion here is that the problem is most likely something I'm putting out there. ... If I do have a crush on a guy, I'm not shy about trying to spend time with him. But if I don't already have strong feelings, it's hard for me to flirt in a way that might lead somewhere. I find myself pulling back. ... I also get really embarrassed at the idea that other people might think I'm romantically interested in someone. Is there any way I can turn off this scared-of-romantic-interaction vibe? Anything you can tell me to change my mindset? Again, it's not an issue with guys I have feelings for, but that happens really rarely (maybe once every two to three years).

Is there anything I can do besides be patient and hope the next seven years don't go by before something clicks with a guy?

Lulu: Also everybody is telling her to join sports and ski clubs. What if she doesn't like sports and skiing???

Ashley: I think she's a lesbian.

Lulu: Right?? I mean, some of the commenters identify her problem this way: she's not comfortable dating people she doesn't know, and she wants to be friends first before she dates. But that doesn't really happen after you get out of school. You have to date, and to be explicit about your interest in someone, even though it can be awkward. I think that's correct, and I have the same problem. I even have the thing where I'm only physically attracted enough to a man to overcome that aversion to flirting every 2-3 years.

That said, I mean, I'm (basically) gay. And I'm much more comfortable and into doing dating/flirting/there-is-no-plausible-deniability-I-am-interested-in-you conversations with women, even when I don't already know them well and they're not dropdead gorgeous model/actors.

That said, she doesn't mention being attracted to women, and you'd think she'd know that by now.

Ashley: Maybe she's just less attracted to people in general?

Lulu: It occurs to me that possibly the basic fantasy of slash fiction is a relationship where you intimately know the person before you consider them as a romantic partner.

Ashley: She probably loves slash.

Lulu: If she doesn't already, she would. But introducing her to slash is NOT A SOLUTION! It will only further her unrealizable romantic fantasies! With her gay chorus friends!

Ashley: The thing is, I also like to be friends with people before i date them. But i do eventually date them. So there's a weird disconnect for me between her preferences and her actions. There needs to be a step two: how does she get from preferring to date friends to not dating anyone?

Lulu: All her friends are women? If she's not a lesbian, she needs to become one! I mean, yeah, I guess the people who recommend sports clubs are correct in that she needs an activity where she'll meet guys. But sometimes you do not like those activities and are not good at them. Like imagine me joining Darnell's soccer team.

Ashley: Sports aren't the only option.

Lulu: It's true; of the activities I've looked into alone, several are male-dominated: coding, cartooning, rock music. And we know she can sing! Although maybe you don't want to date someone in your band.

Ashley: Video games. Role-playing games.

Lulu: Is that our solution to everything?

Ashley: Be gay or start gaming? Or both?

Lulu: Yeah.

Ashley: Well, it works!

Keep 'em separated

Two letters today! And no thematic relationship between them.

First, a teenage girl in Dear Abby writes in about her boyfriend's odd request.

My boyfriend is pressuring me to take his camera cell phone with me into the girls' locker room and take pictures of the other girls with little or nothing on. He says it has always been a "fantasy" of his, and that if I really love him I'll help him fulfill his fantasy.

He promises to keep the pictures secret and says that what the other girls don't know won't hurt them. He offered to do the same for me and take pictures in the boys' locker room, but I'm not interested. I know it would be wrong to do it, and I wouldn't want someone secretly taking pictures of me.

He hinted that if I refuse he will look for another girl who will. I'm scared of losing him because I'm not much to look at, and he's the only boy who has ever shown any interest in me. I know you're not going to tell me to go ahead and do this, so I'm not sure why I'm writing, but I would appreciate any advice you can give me.

At least she acknowledges that she knows what Abby's answer will be. And we already know that we will agree, which is always disappointing to us. We like to be contrary.

Abby says:

I'm glad you wrote. If you do what this boy is pushing you to do, you could be thrown out of school. He will not be able to resist the urge to show the pictures to his friends - and possibly put them on the Internet. It would be a huge invasion of privacy and a breach of trust, and regardless of what he says, it will NOT bring you closer together.

If he truly cared about you, he would never ask you to do something that could get you into serious trouble. You could be accused of creating and distributing pornographic material, and there could be legal liability. The penalty you would pay isn't worth the "interest" he's showing in you. Run!

Lulu: So... I guess I disagree that it would be impossible for him to resist posting the photos on the internet. He's just going to masturbate to them. But it's still not okay to take pictures of girls in states of undress without their consent.

Ashley: Yeah.

Lulu: Also, how exactly is she planning to get away with photographing girls in the locker room? "Oh it's okay... I'm a girl."

Ashley: You pretend to be texting or something. It's hard to tell when a cell phone is pointed to take a picture.

Lulu: Mine makes a CLICK noise.

Ashley: You can turn that off.

[beat]

Ashley: Not that I know.

Lulu: Okay. Well, even if you don't think you'll get caught, it's pretty immoral and it seems like self-respect demands that you decline, EVEN IF you are ugly and your boyfriend is hot. Opposing viewpoint???

Ashley: Nope, I got nothing.

For the next letter, we advance to grownups in the workplace with today's Love Letters.

I had been dating a guy for about a year and we talked about moving in together when my lease was up this winter. He got scared back in August and decided that he needed to take a step back. Which is fine. We're both 27 and I'd rather him be sure than not sure. Granted, we've talked every day since his decision to take a step back, and we see each other on occasion. Although at times it doesn't seem romantic, I still have a little bit of a flame flickering for him. ...

Friday night he met me for a drink and a movie. The conversation over the drink was great. Things seemed to be going well and I was hopeful that we might be taking a step back in the right direction. I decided not to get my hopes up and talked myself into letting things progress naturally. Why push the subject if there's no subject to push yet, right? The drive home was also great and we talked about when we could see each other again. He was very active in communicating the rest of the weekend, which surprised me a little.

Fast forward to Monday morning. So he IMs me from "ABC Company," where he works, and we chat throughout the day. We made plans for the next week and mentioned an event he thought we would both like to attend in December.

Then, shortly after lunch, he told me he was interested in my company, "XYZ Company," which is ironically down the road from ABC. Needless to say, I felt like I was punched in the stomach. I know how miserable he is at ABC and that he would like it at XYZ. So I told him I would pass on his resume to the HR Director. He said he would put together his resume this week and send it over to me to pass along.

Here's what I'm thinking -- that this is the end of the chances of us getting back together. Do office romances really work in the long run? So what should I do? Do I actually pass along his very qualified resume or do I lie and say we're on a hiring freeze and continue on with our current situation? I know it sounds selfish if I lie but do I consider my feelings or his? What a mess.

Ashley: Here's the thing. You have to separate your work life from your relationship life. The question isn't how she would feel if he were working at XYZ, it's whether XYZ would benefit from having him work for it. There are people i would absolutely recommend to jobs that I would refuse to interact with socially. Is he a good worker? Then recommend him. I guess it's kind of a reverse way of thinking, but i think you're helping the company more than the guy. At least that's how I view recommendations.

Lulu: Out of curiosity, would you refuse to pass along the resume of someone who is kind of a slacker even if you do want to work with them?

Ashley: Absolutely.

[beat]

Lulu: Not that... that's... relevant.

Ashley: It's actually a simple question. Do you think the company would benefit from that person? Then recommend.

Lulu: Yeah, she's focusing on the wrong parts of the question. The office romance thing is moot. He wants to just be friends and/or coworkers. The relationship is over.

Ashley: Oh, definitely.

Okay, so the official answer: Meredith agrees that she needs to separate work like and love life, but she advocates a different approach.

I wouldn't worry about an office romance at the moment because I'm not quite sure you're in an out-of-office romance. Are you still together? How would you define your relationship, SBAR&MHP?

You have to be selfish. But you also have to be honest. Tell Mr. I'm-taking-a-step-back that you're a bit confused about the status of your relationship and that having him in an office down the hall won't help. He's more than welcome to apply for a job at ABC Company, but he shouldn't be asking you to facilitate. You're doing a lot for him -- stepping back, stepping forward, being a friend, being more than a friend. Let's be honest -- it hurts, right? Can he consider your feelings for a few minutes or more?

Ashley: I do agree that he's using her.

Lulu: For sure. Stepping back was breaking up, and it's awfully suspicious that he got friendly right before he asked for a favor. He does not want to get back together. He wants a job. He has trouble separating work and personal, too.

Ashley: But i don't necessarily think that's a deal breaker for recommending him. He's using her like an acquaintance. She's part of his network! I would also take an acquaintance to dinner and then ask for a favor.

Lulu: But it's unfair if he made it look like he was maybe getting back with her so she would view him more favorably. He probably knows she hopes to get him back.

Ashley: Does he? Maybe she just read into it. Either way, it doesn't affect her recommendation. He can be a good worker even if he's kind of an asshole.

Lulu: Though hopefully she won't have to work with him closely if she is still getting over the breakup.

Ashley: I guess she could always ask him for a referral to ABC in that case.

Lulu: Swapsies!

Three Letter Thursday!

Darnell told me this week feels slackish on MID, even though there was a twenty minute podcast, so yesterday, we discussed three (3) columns!

Afterschool Special Slumber Party

In yesterday's Hey Cherie, a girl described a slumber party I don't even believe because it seems too YA novel perfect: each girl was dealing with a different Issue Teens Face Today!

Hey, Cherie!

This is different from the usual letters that you probably get. I was having a slumber party with a bunch of my girlfriends. We are all in 10th or 11th grade. We were all downstairs in the basement, and my parents' room is upstairs on the second floor. The door to the basement was closed, so there was no way that anyone could listen to what we were saying.

Darnell: Well, it starts off sexy.

We made up a game called "What My Mother Doesn't Know." ... We just went around the group and each of us had to confess things that our mothers didn't know.

Here are some of the things that we all heard. One girl had been to Planned Parenthood to end a pregnancy and didn't tell her mother. Another had done ecstasy more than once. Another had cheated on a big math test in order to keep her grade up to an A. Another binged and barfed at least once a week. Someone talked about a Facebook boyfriend she had in another state. I heard a girl say that while her mom was on vacation, she took her mom's car and drove it 50 miles. Someone drove their own car 100 miles an hour. Someone else was a secret smoker (none of us knew that!).

I think you get the idea. Here is my question: How much do you think a teen girl should tell her mother about her life? Is it OK to keep the bad stuff secret? Is it OK to have any secrets? And how do you decide what to tell your mother, especially if you will end up being punished for what you reveal?

Cherie Bennett, the writer of this column, is herself a YA novelist, so she of course enjoyed this scenario.

This is one of the best letters I've received in the more than 14 years of writing this column. Fourteen years, 52 columns a year and two questions per column. You do the math! But I digress.

Different people, different cultures, different families and different sets of ethics mean that different people — and I count teens as people! — have different feelings about openness and honesty with parents. All I can share with you is my sense of it, which may be different from your sense or your mom's sense.

When it comes to me, I want to know. I would want to know all those things. If I don't know, how can I guide you through the minefield of growing up in the 21st century? Knowing is so important to me that I would consider a no-punishment rule if that's what it took to get my teen to talk to me. That is, I'd rather know and not impose a punishment than not know, hear about it later, and then punish. I understand many could feel legitimately different.

No matter what? Share as much as you can. I think you'll find most parents remember that they were teens, too. Parents had their secrets and they're pretty darn good listeners. Most of all, we care.

Darnell: Wow, she counts teens as PEOPLE. This is the most open-minded advice columnist ever.

Lulu: Right?

Darnell: This advice is terrible and vague at the same time.

Lulu: Yeah, it's not really advice. The question is "How much do I have to tell my mother?" and she answers as a mother, how much she would want to know; but I kind of feel like what she wants as a mother is not necessarily good advice for the kids. Parental instinct is to protect your kids but at 16 and 17 they need to start working stuff out for themselves.

Darnell: There is a bulemic in that group. Isn't that one of those things that after school specials teach us to tell people about, due to potential serious health issues?

Lulu: Yeah, in that case, if it's something where the girl needs a health professional, then she has to tell her parents so they can make an appointment for her. Sexual health is a possible exception since you can go anonymously through Planned Parenthood, like the girl who got the abortion. It sounds like she handled things well.

Darnell: I'm going to go secret by secret!

Planned Parenthood - I don't see the need to tell anyone about this. Aborting babies shows adult responsibility!

Ecstasy - Definitely no, parents are not understanding cuddlebears when it comes to drug use.

Cheated on a test - Good for her!

Binged and barfed - Yes? This seems like the one thing on the list that is dangerous, a regular habit, and something parents might actually deal with well?

Facebook boyfriend - I guess you could! I think she should have lost the game for having a boring secret. Maybe that girl should have a serious talk with her parents about how to be more interesting.

Secret driver - Rapscallion behavior and teenage rebellion loses its shine if you scuff your feet and admit it to your parents afterwards.

Speeding - Maybe tied for lamest secret. Do not tell anyone ever again.

Smoker - Nah, just stop doing that, it is gross.

Advice given!

Lulu: Okay! Thanks, Darnell.

Valium Frontal Assault

The second letter in yesterday's Dear Prudence also piqued my interest, touching on issues of impaired behavior, consent issues, and oral hygiene.

Last week, I had impacted wisdom teeth removed. A good friend from work agreed to pick me up after the procedure and drive me to the bus station. We're both younger and single and have many shared interests outside of work, except I'm a gay man and my friend is a straight man.

The dentist used intravenous sedation, and I remember nothing of the procedure or drive afterward—my first memory was getting off the bus at my stop. But the next day at work, my friend said that I was very sexually aggressive with him after he picked me up. He says I put my hands down his pants and he even had to stop the car.

My friend has been distant for the last week at work, and we haven't hung out since the incident. Needless to say, I'm embarrassed and horrified. While my friend is attractive, I would never make any sexual advances toward him (except, apparently, when coming off a Valium drip). I want to continue our good working relationship and friendship, but now he's creeped out by me or, worse, thinks I have a secret crush on him. How should I go about addressing this situation and repairing our relationship?

Prudence comes down strongly on an unexpected side.

I don't give a pass to people who try to excuse their bad behavior by saying they drank so much they no longer were aware of their actions. But that does not apply to the I.V. drip. I was knocked out for a medical procedure recently, and my husband said I babbled incoherently on the way home in the car, then fell asleep midsentence. Once home, I apparently asked my daughter repeatedly, and with increasing agitation, where she was going while she was simply standing in front of me. I remember none of this.

The reason medical offices release recently sedated people only to responsible adults is because patients could find themselves in deep trouble trying to make their way home solo. Your friend should never have dropped you off at the bus—you're lucky the Valium didn't prompt you to grope a fellow rider. He should have been thoughtful enough to take you home and make sure you were safely tucked into bed, no matter what kind of crazy stuff you were doing and saying about going to bed together.

You need to tell him that you're concerned your friendship has been damaged by your Valium-addled mental state. Reiterate that you have no memory of any of this, and now that your wisdom teeth are out, you plan to stay far away from I.V. sedation. If he remains cool, then he's just the kind of jerk who would dump an ailing friend at a bus stop.

Darnell: Prudence is a little harsh on the victim of sexual assault.

Lulu: I know!!

Darnell: Unintentional or not, that guy was well within his rights to remove himself from that situation as quickly as possible.

Lulu: Yeah, if someone is groping you, you are not required to take it if they are drugged. That's only true in the romance novels that I read.

Darnell: I think she has a good point that the guy should be more forgiving after the fact, and differentiating between drunken behavior and medically induced drugged behavior. If you get yourself drunk it is easy to shrug it off and say, "Well I was loaded!", but you do get yourself that way, usually on purpose.

Lulu: Right. This wasn't his fault. He may not even have had a choice of anesthetics if the case was especially bad, which it sounds like this was. Man, his mouth is probably still sore.

Darnell: Still, I feel like people should forgive drunken behavior, mostly because that is a stance I require to still have friends. You can't judge it cleanly without knowing the parties involved, but there is probably some homophobia in the mix there.

Lulu: Yeah? my thought was that there was probably some secret crush in the mix there.

Darnell: Probably a little bit of both.

Lulu: You probably wouldn't hit on someone you were totally unattracted to, even while drugged. But the fact that your friend is a little attracted to you doesn't mean you can't be friends. Which is a stance I require in order to have friends (WINK!)

Darnell: The number of people who are okay with gay is much larger than the number of people who are okay with gay when it is pointed at them. Because you can point gay at people, like a loaded gun. A loaded gun filled with rainbow bullets.

Lulu: Meh. I think it's legit if the driver's just upset at being groped.

Darnell: I'd lay good odds that if the LW was a lady, the driver would have still be uncomfortable in the moment but more willing to laugh it off the next day. I have seen this situation with a straight dude sober and a drunken drunken lady, and it was definitely more laughable than a serious offense.

Lulu: Hm. But if the driver were a lady (and the LW a straight man), she might be more creeped out. Maybe it depends on the relative physical strength of the parties involved???

Darnell: It could be! Science! I will make a chart!

Sober	Intoxicated
	Dude	Lady
Dude	Creeped out and remains creeped out (situation in this letter)	Maybe creeped out, quickly forgiving
Lady	Creeped out and remains creeped out (according to Lulu)	????

Lulu: Yeah, i dunno about lady/lady either. I guess it depends on the people, which is maybe true of all of these things.

Darnell: If a lady you weren't attracted to started groping on you while drunk or in a drugged haze, how would you feel?

Lulu: Who is this lady?

David: Patricia Heaton.

Lulu: Oh. I guess I would forgive her. I would be creeped out in the moment but I wouldn't hold it against her if she apologized.

Darnell: She is the darling of early evening television. Man, Prudence's advice is absolutely going to crush the friendship if the LW takes it. She is at least implying that the LW should be angry at the driver. Anger is not the emotion to bring to this conversation.

Lulu: True. If you're asking forgiveness, you need to be forgiving yourself.

Darnell: The LW can't even bring the attitude that he is forgiving the driver to that conversation. That might result in the sitcom situation where the party in the wrong is like, "Hey, I apologize for my terrible behavior... now don't you have something to say to me?"

Lulu: Yeah. It is weird for the columnist to take someone who is not angry and give them reasons they should be angry!

Darnell: Prudence, more like STEWdence... because of... stewing... in anger.

Lulu: No.

Darnell: No, not at all.

Lulu: So what is our advice? Do nothing, hope for the best?

Darnell: My advice is to apologize, if he hasn't already, the letter doesn't actually say. Make motions towards continued friendship in a space-giving way, group activities and the like. Sometimes you did kill the frienship though. If that doesn't work out, time to move on. Oh, and try to avoid situations that involve impaired judgment if you are going to hang out.

Lulu: I agree. And he needs to avoid any behavior that makes it seem like he has a secret crush, including but not limited to vehemently denying that he has a secret crush.

Vibrant Young Spinster

Ashley joined us just in time to mock me for being single as we discussed Love Letters.

Are some people just not meant for relationships? Here is a glimpse into my past:

In high school and most of college I dated many guys, generally for two months, from all walks of life: older, younger, the athlete, the nerd, the "gangsta," the preppy, the lead singer of a band, guy in the military, the cable guy, the nice guy, and the jerk. If you are wondering, I was only intimate with a select few at an older age. The one true relationship that counted lasted 9 months... Typically, I wind up losing interest after a few weeks and end it.

Present: today I consider myself very successful, confident, and independent at the age of 25. I work for a world-wide company and travel. Recently I have sworn into the United States Reserves and leave for boot camp very soon.

Future: My long-term goals include a career switch, continuing with the Reserves, and living in Massachusetts or the New England area. I feel very fortunate and proud to have accomplished all of this but I feel there is a piece missing. Perhaps the missing piece is a partner to share and enjoy life with.

I am afraid that my life will never calm down enough to share it with someone else. Everyone seems to be clingy nowadays. I am very independent and like to do my own thing but not necessarily 24/7 by any means. Maybe that could change if I met the right person. Friends have said that I need someone who will challenge me, be my equal, and have the same or very similar interests. Should I just live and enjoy my 20s even though I feel something is missing? Am I too independent? Should I be concerned that I hardly ever fall or "settle" for someone? It seems like everyone else I know can be happy or settle with someone. I just feel lost in this whole matter or that I am doing something wrong.

I don't actually have a problem with Meredith Goldstein's response.

You've dated a bunch of people, WIESD. You're 25. You're about to leave for boot camp. You're single and wondering why.

My thought is -- thank goodness you haven't met someone awesome. This isn't the right time. Maybe soon, but not now.

Now, everyone is going to tell you that you're whining about nothing, but before they do, let me remind them that there are some significant feelings going on here. Just because a person isn't ready to be serious with someone doesn't mean they can't get lonely. Loneliness can be overwhelming. It can make a person believe that they'll never be understood, that they'll never get out of their solitary hole, and that the rest of the world is experiencing something they'll never get their hands on.

Don't let the loneliness scare you. It doesn't mean that you'll never meet anyone. It doesn't mean that you're not capable. And being in the Reserves -- well, you'll be meeting people who share your motivation and drive. That sounds pretty promising to me.

The present doesn't stand for anything but the present. You're not doing anything wrong. It just takes time.

Darnell: Loneliness is a tough one!

Ashley: Yeah. I think that's a question for Lulu. Since losing interest after several weeks is what Lulu does best.

Lulu: Thanks. Thanks for that.

Ashley: In ALL OF HER ENDEAVORS.

Lulu: Ha. Okay, well that's fair. Well, the thing is, I'm 25, and so is the LW. So I'm not coming to this from a grown up "oh you are so young, you are a BABY, don't sweat it" place. But: she is so young. Or he. It's a girl, right?

Ashley: I think girl, yeah. Presumably an openly gay man isn't joining the Reserves.

Darnell: Who has a successful life AND joins the Reserves?

Lulu: Not only is she young, but her life is in flux; it's not like she has a salary job in a small town somewhere and plans to stay there. In her circumstances, it's silly to think, "The way things are now is the way it will always be."

Darnell: In the same vein though, the idea that you'll eventually meet the right person when the time is right is laughably false.

Lulu: I agree, and it could be that she will never meet someone and will be single forever. But if she wants to have a relationship, she will probably eventually have an opportunity for that.

Darnell: If you don't make room for it in your life, those chances go up significantly.

Lulu: I dunno - I think it's fine for her to keep busy and keep her eyes open. No point in leaving Friday night open (just in case!!!!), that's just leaving the door open to wallow in self pity. If and when you meet someone you will be able to choose what other things in your life you want to blow off.

Ashley: Yeah, I think generally I'd rather fill my life with stuff and then give some of it up, than to leave it available for Someone To Come Along. But then again Galahad is busy a lot of the time. Saving kittens, etc.

Lulu: It seems like the LW would appreciate someone who is also busy a lot of the time. That seems do-able.

Darnell: There are plenty of busy people, they are just hard to meet.

Lulu: Yeah? I seem to exclusively meet busy people. People who are busy on Friday. Washing their hair. The people I meet have a lot of hair care needs, apparently.

Anna: I meet busy people at events, and then I never see them again. But I'm not looking for a romantic partner.

Lulu: But the LW's question isn't "How do I meet people" so much as "Is there something fundamentally wrong with me such that I will never settle down?" And to that I say probably not. A good percentage of the people in the world do eventually settle down, at least for awhile, in a long-term relationship, and the fact that you are flighty and single at 25 is not necessarily an indicator of the future. Lots of people are flighty and single at 25. LOTS OF PEOPLE. DAMMIT.